


Endless Rain

by Gasian_Gaond



Category: BABYMETAL
Genre: F/F, RPF, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-11-21 03:53:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11349318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gasian_Gaond/pseuds/Gasian_Gaond
Summary: "You always say that everything is okay, that you have everything under control, but I know different."Moa and I are like two halves of the same body.And I wish we weren’t.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! This is my first Babymetal fanfiction. Since Moa said that she “wants to be like a rainbow” (which Yui might imply in her different translation of True Colors) and one of Yui’s favorite sayings is “Rain followed by rainbow”, I got inspired to write this MoiMoi fic after listening to Babymetal’s “No Rain No Rainbow”. This fic will end in Yui x Moa pairing. It’s going to be multichaptered, but there’s no definite guarantee for continuation. Rating might change in the future.

_"You always say that everything is okay, that you have everything under control, but I know different."_

Moa and I are like two halves of the same body.

And I wish we weren’t.

Ever since we met we had always clicked together. I was aware that people loved pairing us because we were cute, and I couldn't be happier. Moa is my best, most important friend, even more so that we now often go on tours all around the world with Babymetal. We used to be so mischievous when we were younger, messing around the hotel and set for a laugh until we got into trouble and Su scolded us, "Now you two have really landed us in it!" We just laughed it off afterwards.

There are just so many memories I shared with her, both as members of Sakura Gakuin and Babymetal.

I know everything about her, and she knows everything about me.

We are rivals and best friends, co-workers and partners, always have and always will be...

At least that is how it's supposed to be.

Over time I noticed that Moa has become able to read me perfectly like a book, but at the same time, she doesn't understand a thing about me.

It was when we gave an interview after a particularly exhausting performance in the middle of a really hot summer that I realized it.

Su had just finished her closing message with "And last but not least, we would thank everyone who had worked so hard to make sure that we arrived here safely" and I was about to say our usual "See you!" to the interviewer when Moa suddenly turned to me and grabbed my hand.

I was so surprised it probably showed on my face, but we still loudly bid our farewell to him and left.

I quickly whispered to her, "Why, what are you-"

"You're not standing straight."

"What...?"

"Your balance is unsteady, and you're leaning on one foot more than the other. Did something happen?"

I looked at her with my mouth agape.

I was pretty sure I hid it well. Even now I was walking normally.

"I...it's nothing, it just hurts a bit..."

"I'll apply something to it when we arrive at the hotel. Just don't make it too obvious."

Moa knew that I hated the staff fussing over me, which they tended to do ever since I fell off the stage in Budokan.

"It really is okay," I said to her in a low voice, "Really, it's..."

"You're not okay," she replied with a small smile, "You always say that everything is okay, that you have everything under control, but I know different."

Those words felt like a stab in my heart.

Because when I say everything is okay... Moa doesn't understand me.

Moa _never_ understands.

* * *

 

_Dooshite nemure-nai no?_

_Dooshite yoru wa owaru no?_

_Ira-nai nani mo, ashita sae mo,_

_kimi ga i-nai mirai._

 

**_Why can’t I sleep?_ **

**_Why does the night end?_ **

**_I don’t want anything, even tomorrow,_ **

**_The future without you_ **

 

* * *

It was raining cats and dogs when I first said it.

It was a particularly gloomy day at the end of our tour, and the rest of our fun plans of the day were dashed by the upsetting weather.

We were looking forward to this day for the whole tour, and now we were basically stuck in our rooms from dusk till dawn.

Su didn’t seem to mind, though, she had been spending her whole day in her room finishing her piles of unfinished novels, with Nora endlessly typing away on her laptop beside her.

Moa, on the other hand, was pretty restless. She was being quite a handful the whole time she was in the room with me, and this was one of the few times I disliked always having to share a room with her.

Luckily, she calmed down a bit after dinner, and hearing her jokes was enough to push out my first smile of the day.

A full stomach didn’t completely fix her mood though.

“I don’t understand how we landed up in here when we are supposed to go out there and enjoy ourselves under the bright, sunny, cloudless summer sky! !” she whined, throwing herself on her bed, “This isn’t supposed to happen!”

“Bright, sunny, cloudless summer sky” didn’t exactly agree with my skin, so I didn’t comment much on that sentiment.

Before she got any weird ideas to do something for a laugh, I tried to get rid of our boredom by turning on the TV. We sat there watching a generic buddy-cop comedy about some guys trying to restore law and order in an abandoned city while eating the last of our snacks. It turned out to be the correct decision, because soon she was laughing and hugging me again. It would sound weird for some people, but it just didn’t feel right without her being overly touchy most of the time.

When the clock hit 8 pm, Moa decided to sleep. I agreed it was the best way to kill time, but when Moa passed out rather easily, I couldn’t do it for some strange reason. Perhaps it was just the excessive energy from holing up in the room all day, but it still felt as bad as not being able to wake up in the morning.

After tossing and turning for half an hour while listening to the raindrops hammering the windows outside, I grumbled and sat straight on my bed, rubbing my eyes in frustration until I saw some stars under my lids.

Oh, right.

The stars.

If I drank some milk and looked at the stars, my brain would usually obey me and shut itself down. Well, the stars were off limits for now, but the milk wasn’t.

As I carefully climbed off my bed, I threw a glance at the sleeping girl.

Even under the faint street lights that gleamed through the thin curtains, and with her face half-concealed by the covers, Moa still looked absolutely beautiful. The way that long straight hair fell on her face, barely hiding that noticable mole on her left cheek...the way those lips parted ever so slightly...and the way her shoulders rose delicately alongside her soft breathing...everything about her never failed to make me stop and wonder.

It was her personality that shone the most, but even when the deep slumber silenced her voice and her dimples smoothened into marshmallow cheeks, the girl still took my breath away.

I didn’t really remember when my eyes started to linger a bit longer on her face, when my heart started beating a little faster when our fingers entwined, when I started to gaze into her smile and see the stars looking back...

That foreign, serene feeling was definitely there.

I never had the time or power to think it through...but now...somehow...this attraction was too strong to ignore. I took a step to her bed, before crouching down so that my face was exactly on her level.

I was seriously contemplating to reach out and brush the hair off her forehead to get a clearer look of her mesmerizing face...when those big round eyes suddenly opened.

I almost got a heart attack.

Clenching back the urge to touch her, I stared intently as she drowsily mumbled, “Yui...?”

I gave her an awkward smile. “Hey...”

“Why are you still awake...?” she yawned.

“I...it’s nothing...”

“Really...?”

It was her who reached out to me.

Her hand grazed my cheek and sent goosebumps to my core, before burying itself in the curls of my long black hair. It was an absolute torture, holding back from leaning my head to her hand and enjoying her gentle strokes.

“You were looking at me...” she said, “Is my sleeping face weird...?”

That whisper rendered me completely powerless.

These little gestures Moa did to me would soon cause something to explode in the back of my mind.

_Why is this happening to me...?_

_What is wrong with me...?_

“I...I wasn’t....”

“That’s a lie. I know you inside out...you were looking.”

“I...”

I hated this.

I wanted this to be over.

I wasn’t thinking straight.

I hated that I wasn’t thinking straight.

Maybe it was the rain...or the night...but I was losing my mind...

_What do I want to say...?_

_What do I want...?_

I didn’t want anything...

I just wanted...to drown in those eyes forever.

“...I like you.”

Those words slipped out from my mouth before I could stop myself...but it was too late, she had heard.

Moa didn’t respond immediately.

She never really did respond.

She still looked sleepy as hell and I didn’t blame her.

She only closed her eyes and replied...

“Are you okay...?”

...But that simple question from her...

...was more hurtful than anything I ever felt in my life.

The fullness in my chest was gone all of a sudden. It was like all the tension and emotions in my heart just burst into nothingness.

“...I’m okay,” I told her emptily.

“Really...?”

“Yeah...” I assured her, “Everything is okay.”

“That’s good...” she let out a tiny grin.

Her hand left my hair and she dozed back to sleep. I stared blankly at her for the longest time.

I knew people got laid into for this sort of thing.

I should be grateful...she didn’t really hear.

I should be grateful...she didn’t think I was serious.

I should be grateful...our friendship was still intact as it was.

But the tears still flowed, and the future blurred.

So I sat there on my bed, awake, until it was time to board our plane back to Japan.


	2. Chapter 2

_Dooshite waratteta no?_

_Dooshite samishikatta noni?_

_Dare mo shira-nai, hontoo wa tada_

_soba ni ite hoshikatta._

 

_**Why was I smiling?** _

_**Why so though I was feeling lonely?** _

_**Nobody knows that I really just** _

_**wanted you to be by my side.** _

 

* * *

 

"It's  _really_  hot. This is crazy. Why are we going to the zoo instead of the aquarium?"

"Because land-based animals are cooler!"

"You were  _complaining_  about the heat earlier. You only chose to go to the zoo because they said it has koalas in it-"

"Oh, look at those cute mice! !"

"Where? ?"

I watch Su and Moa making a beeline to a desert-themed exhibit and sigh to myself under my umbrella.

At long last we get our well-deserved break, but this is not exactly the summer vacation that I had in mind.

The cool and calm aquarium is obviously a better choice, and even if we spend a lot of time outdoors I'd much prefer to go to an amusement park.

However, when I saw Moa's eyes sparkling with the mention of koalas I unconsciously chose the zoo and outvoted Su.

_Wait, why the heck did I choose the zoo...?_

_Because it would make Moa happy?_

And that caused me to end up here in the thinnest white sundress I could find, surrounded by couples while I stand here soaking in sweat and letting the sun cook my skin just because I saw how happy that little Kikuchi was when she heard about koa--

My thoughts are suddenly interrupted by a zap of coolness from my left forearm. I'm so shocked I nearly hit the person next to me with my umbrella, but then I quickly realize who it is.

The girl with the prettiest dimples, showing them off for the whole world to see.

She is proudly holding a can of cold soda lime in each hand.

"Here! It's hot, isn't it?"

I stare at her for a moment. This kind of gesture is something that Moa loves to do, but I know Moa better than anyone so...

"What's this?"

"Soda lime! What else?"

"I've never heard of this brand..."

"It's new! Haven't you heard the latest? It's been gaining popularity because it tastes really good!"

I reluctantly take it from her hand and examine the can. At least it looks pretty legit.

"You didn't shake it, did you?"

"I did not! Why are you glaring at me like that?"

I regard her for a second, give in to her sincerity, and open the can with my fingers.

I prepare myself to be blasted by a jet stream of cold soda lime...which never comes.

Moa looks offended by the genuine surprise on my face.

"You put so little trust in me, don't you?" she grumbles.

"Better safe than sorry," I say cheerfully before taking a sip.

She used to pull this kind of pranks any chance she could back when we were Sakura Gakuin members, just to have a good laugh at the expense of her poor victims. I'm impressed that she has matured a little. No...by a lot. But many parts of her, parts that I've always loved, never changes.

It is the way she always cares for others, always makes me laugh, that puts a smile on my face like none other.

She is one of a kind, a very special existence that I could never imagine this life without.

_That is why it's better this way._

_It's better that she doesn't remember my confession._

_It's better that I can see her smile any time I want to._

"So what do you think?" she asks eagerly.

She stands so close to me that our shoulders touch. No matter how many years have passed, it always feels relaxing having her right next to me.

"It's good," I admit, "You have good taste for once."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she says with an annoyed tone.

I chuckle at her response.

"Now you're smiling!" she exclaims.

I blink in confusion. "Uh, what?"

"You've been frowning the whole day today," she grins sheepishly, "...you only agreed to come here because I want to, didn't you...?"

A faint red blush spreads across my cheeks. "That's not true. I like animals."

_And you like animals too so it's even better._

_It's just natural for me to imagine us having a romantic date in a zoo, right?_

_Right...?_

Love is a difficult thing.

Even more difficult when the source of it all is standing so close to you in a casual sky blue chich romper with the most dashing smile.

"Hello? Yui? What's wrong? Your face is all red," Moa points out.

"Eh? Huh? What?"

Panicking, I hurriedly try to hide my face behind the small soda can, to absolutely no avail.

Probably noticing how I get even redder, Moa curiously cocks her head to the side and asks, "Are you dehydrated?"

"I'm fine!" I say, avoiding her eyes.

"I'll check the map. Maybe there's a place with a nice shade nearby. The layout of this place is a bit weird."

"There's no need to--"

"Moa-chaaan," Su's voice interrupts her, "Did you get my drink?"

I sigh in relief when Su comes and distracts Moa's attention. Su's timing is hardly great most of the time but now she is a lifesaver.

"Yeah, of course, I bought thr--I forgot! !"

"What? ?"

"I only bought two!"

"You're so cruel. I really want that new soda..." Su pouts.

"I'm sorry! I'm really sorry! I'll go buy it again! !"

She dashes out of sight in an instant, hitting the shoulders of some passers-by in her rush.

Su, in her print dress and conductor hat, only stands there shaking her head at me with a wry smile.

"Did you ask her to buy one for you?" she asks me.

"No..."

"So she gave mine to you? That Moa..." she says, "I should've suspected that. She's been talking about you nonstop."

"Talking about me...?"

"I think she's pretty concerned," she looks at me knowingly, giving me a pat on the back, "You know, you can act a bit happier if you decide to go along with what she wants. If you prefer to laze around, you can just say so."

"I'm happy."

"By looking like you're almost dying," Su sneers, "But what do we have here? You look much happier than a few minutes ago. Is it the soda...?"

I bite my lip and turn away from her, keeping myself busy with drinking from the can.

Moa always has this strange power on me.

And this is despite her making me feel like the loneliest person in the world.

This "love" is all very new and complicated to me. It's different from how I really like Ariana Grande or Rena Nounen, although I guess that should've made me realize this sooner. It's different from what I imagined as romance between a boy and a girl, where I used to believe that you could just keep trying and by the law of averages you would end up with someone anyway.

This is not like that.

This is difficult, foreign, and scary.

It is like a monster crouching at the back of my mind, threatening to leap out and tear my friendship with Moa to pieces.

I wouldn't be able to bear it if she stops smiling at me.

I wouldn't be able to bear it if she treats me any differently.

It would be better to keep this to myself.

"Yui-chan, hey, answer me," Su says playfully.

"Lay off me, it's not true at all."

"Well, if you say so," she shrugs, "By the way, did something happen between you and Moa-chan?"

I nearly choke on my drink.

Su is sharp, but she couldn't be  _that_  sharp.

"Where does this come from?" I ask, trying to look as surprised as I possibly could.

"How to explain it..." she mumbles, putting a hand on her chin, "It's like you're not responding to her like you usually do."

I gape at her.

"It's like you're spacing out more than usual, and...avoiding her? Maybe it's just me. You just look a little different, that's all, so I wonder if you guys have a fight that I don't know about..."

Su seems like she is prepared to play the older sister like she always does.

However, there is honestly nothing I could say.

I'm not a kid anymore.

I'm old enough to know Su might not be able to accept me.

No matter how kind she is, no matter how open-minded she claims to be.

The risk is just too much.

_Nobody shall know about this..._

"There's no fight," I say to her with a smile, "There is nothing to worry about, Su-chan."

Su's eyes don't leave my face for a while.

"...well, if there's anything wrong, let me know if I can help, okay...?"

I nod at her and a second later Moa is back with Su's can of soda.

I watch Moa handing it to Su with a deep bow while saying "I present thee this royal soda, my Queen!" and Su plays along with her.

They are both so precious to me.

I don't want to destroy our connection with these petty feelings.

I must deal with this alone.

If I suppress it deep inside me, I believe it would disappear, and no trace of it would be left.

Surely...I would go back to being a normal girl.

Moa Kikuchi's best friend, MOAMETAL's colleague.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Just like how it is supposed to be... ever since ten-year-old Yui Mizuno began walking this uncharted road with this girl she could never reach.


	3. Chapter 3

_Zetsuboo sae mo hikari ni naru._

_Yama-nai ame ga furi tsuzuite mo._

_Zetsuboo sae mo hikari ni naru._

_Kanashii ame ga niji o kakeru yo,_

_doko made mo._

 

**_Even the despair becomes the light._ **

**_Though an endless rain continues to fall._ **

**_Even the despair becomes the light._ **

**_A sad rain throws a rainbow_ **

**_far far away._ **

 

* * *

 

On my way to Moa's house today, I find a four-leaf clover.

All I know about it is that it is supposed to give the founder good luck.

As I hold it carefully in my hand, I wonder what it has in store for me.

We didn't really plan much for the day, so I told her I could come to her house and we would think about what we want to do once I arrive.

However, judging from how much grey clouds there are on the sky, I'm pretty sure we're going to spend the whole day indoors.

Not that I mind, because I cherish any little time that I could spend with Moa.

Ever since that visit to the zoo, I've been trying to act as normally as I could around her.

Su still gives me funny glances once in a while, but she never inquires further.

Moa doesn't seem to notice anything...and if she does, she does a great job hiding it.

Maybe that's for the better...because this way we can continue being best friends forever.

But Yui Mizuno... in mind, body, and soul, wishes deep in her heart that Moa would know.

That Moa would love her back, that she could have Moa all to herself.

And that is just foolish selfishness.

Moa never really talks much about dating. She'd rather spend her days sleeping, eating, and going out with her friends. She's not interested in boys, and she often says she prefers cute girls to them.

I keep thinking to myself, over and over, that I might have a chance with her, no matter how miniscule and ridiculous it seems.

But I'm too much of a coward.

I'm afraid of her rejection, her avoidance, her disgust.

 _It's fine this way_ , I have to keep reminding myself.

Even so, I couldn't stop myself from spending so much time in front of the mirror just for a casual outing with a friend.

Even my brother got suspicious and asked me, "Did you get a boyfriend or something?"

Oh, how I wish it were  _that_  simple.

While my thoughts were still filled with those pointless things, I have arrived on Moa's doorstep.

I found my fingers shaking a little when pressing her doorbell.

It's probably because it's been a long time since we got to spend some quality time together, just the two of us. My body couldn't help but react to it.

_Damn it, control yourself, this is Moa, your best friend, your dance partner, your fellow Babymetal member, your-_

"Hey, Yui...! What took you so long?"

For a second there I forget what I am there for.

Moa is standing there with her long messy bed hair, in a piece of simple racerback tank top and black shorts that hide absolutely nothing of her features.

I freeze there like a statue for an entire second.

Don't get me wrong, I've seen her naked many times before.

It's just at the time, I couldn't figure out why I was staring.

I only snap back to reality when my eyes land on her chest.

"Why are you not wearing a bra? ?" I exclaim.

"Because I'm at home? ?"

"At least wear one when you open the door? ? What if I'm a mailman? ?"

"Ssh, calm down already! The neighbors will hear!"

With an exasperated sigh she pulls me inside and closes the door behind me.

I still wonder what the heck is happening to me for spouting all those things. Moa's surprise is understandable, and now we're just standing there being all awkward with each other.

I just...think about the possibility of other people seeing her in this state right now...and I feel angry somehow.

I'm slowly losing myself.

_When can I see the last of these unnecessary emotions...?_

Maybe if I divert the topic, I can feel a little better...

"Moa," I begin, "I tried calling you on the landline earlier but I can't get through. Did something happen?"

I'm so grateful she decides to go along. "Ah, yeah, sorry about that. The landline is busted. Mama and Papa have been fussing over it for days. It's still not fixed though," she explains, "We seem to be quite unlucky lately. The pipe leading from the top of the water tank is also leaking a little."

"Oh,I see. That's okay," I remember I haven't greeted her parents and asks, "Where are they? I should say hello."

"They're not here."

"...what?"

"Mama and Papa are on a business trip to Hawaii right now," she said, "They're going to be gone until Monday at the latest. This is like, the first time I ever get to housesit for this long so I'm pretty excited!"

The realization dawns on me pretty quickly.

This is also the first time I get to spend some quality time with her after I realize my feelings.

And I'm going to spend the whole day with her, indoors, while she is wearing  _that,_ when her parents are not around. Three steps in and I already feel dirty with myself.

"And I get to spend it with you, Yui! So it's even better!" she gives me the widest grin, "So where are we going today? By the way, nice blouse."

I can't bring myself to look at her laughing brown eyes.

Sudden compliments are so unfair...and I hate and love that spontaneity of hers at the same time.

"I don't think we can go anywhere today..." I say, "Don't you see the cloud outside?"

Her smile immediately slides off her face.

"Yeah...I know..." she mutters, "But I was hoping that we could at least..."

I shake my head. "It's no good if you get yourself sick. Your parents are not around, Moa."

"You're right," she sighs, "Aargh, screw you, weather!"

She then looks at me and hurriedly adds, "Ah, but that doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with you!"

"I understand," I let out a giggle.

_Why is she so adorable...?_

But when Moa doesn't get what she wants she usually thinks of something outrageous to do.

"I know, let's sing karaoke! I think Papa still hasn't returned the karaoke machine. Let's put the volume to maximum and scream as loud as we can!"

"Are you trying to hold a metal concert so early in the morning? ?"

"Well, there's no law against it, and we gotta release the stress. And while we're at it let's order some fast food!"

I give her a look. "...I think you really should lay off fast food. It can lead to uh...health problems."

"How rude!" she fumes.

Why am I in love with this girl again...?

"No loud screaming, no fast food, we're going to have fun some other way, okay?" I give her a pat on the shoulder.

She responds with a pout. "You don't need to act like a mother."

"Well you obviously need one, so I will do it until your real Mama comes back."

I smile to myself when she elbows me with an annoyed expression.

_This is how it's supposed to be._

I love our friendship...and there is no need to change anything.

I love it when she beams at me, when she holds my hand, when she gives me hugs that set my heart aflutter.

I don't need anything else.

"Say, Yui..." she speaks again, her voice much softer this time, "I think I need your help with something."

I raise an eyebrow.

I've known Moa for over eight years. Sometimes, I can tell what she is thinking or feeling just from her expression and movements. Perhaps she is just an emotional person, but those little quirks become obvious to me over time.

Like now...I can tell that there is something unusual with how she phrases her request.

It sounds a little serious, so I react accordingly. "What's wrong? I'll do what I can."

"It's...actually something very simple," she says, nervously poking her cheek, "I just need your opinion."

"...alright...?"

"Because I don't believe in my own taste...and you're a girl..."

"...um...yes, I am...?"

This is getting more and more confusing. She's usually more direct that this.

She puts her hands together in front of me and pleads, "Help me choose an outfit!"

I blink once. Then twice.

And couldn't help but think it is a bit ridiculous.

"You want me to...?"

"Well, not just choosing. It's also...the way I walk and everything. Yui, I'm afraid of messing up! I haven't done any actual modelling for years!"

"Uhh...you and me both, actually."

"At least you still dress up better than I do!"

"I do?"

"Sometimes I just...feel like a laughing stock. Anyway, just give me your honest opinion. I'll go get the clothes--"

"Wait, wait, just...wait," I say, grabbing her shoulder, "What is this for? You never fuss over clothes before..."

"For an outing."

"Just..." I get even more puzzled than before, "Just an outing?"

She nods hesitantly. During this whole exchange her eyes are fixated on the floor.

I never really see her like this before.

This is not the Moa I know.

She's usually much more confident than I am, and I honestly believe she can rock pretty much anything she chooses to wear, if she wants to.

I know Moa's good friends with some fashionable idols, maybe she's afraid of not fitting in...?

It ticks me off a little.

How could they make Moa feel that way...?

"So...are you going to help me or not...?"

...but there is just no way I can say no to that face.

"...Fine, fine. I'll help," I tell her, "I have no idea what leads you to the conclusion that I can help, but okay."

I see how her eyes light up with joy and feel a little part of me just melts inside. I consider it a privilege that she has this much trust in me, that I can see sides of her she never shows to anyone.

Or...at least that's what I believe.

She comes back five minutes later with a random assortment of what is basically her whole summer wardrobe, from maxi dresses to off-the-shoulder tops to button-down shirts, from culottes to jeans to high-waisted skirts.

What comes next is basically just me being asked to sit in the living room and watch her doing a one-woman fashion show.

It brought me back to the old days, back before we even joined Sakura Gakuin.

I first watched Moa model as a Ciao Girl when we were just nine years old.

My memory at that time was a bit blurry, but for me, who had walked the stage earlier than her, I could tell that she didn't have my experience. However, that small, skinny weird girl was shining in her own way, she refused to conform to the standards, and prompted to confidently inject her goofy personality onto the runway. Truly, she is in a league of her own, a league she created for herself.

I don't remember when I started to become friends with her, but I know I've been admiring her since forever. She always has that charm that makes me dissolve into laughter, even now.

She has given me so, so many of those precious moments.

Moments that I want to last forever.

Moments like now when I can look into her eyes and see her smile exclusively for me.

Even now my brain is trying lay a guilt trip on me.

Moa doesn't know about my feelings for her. As I watch her change into various colorful attire, biting my lower lip to keep myself calm, I can't help but feel that I am taking advantage of her, that I am using our close friendship for my own enjoyment.

When the rain expectedly begins to fall, I cannot bear it any longer.

What is she doing this for...?

"This is strange..." I finally say.

She looks up to me with a questioning look, holding her tenth dress on her hand.

"The last I heard, Moa Kikuchi is not the kind of girl who would let something like this bother her," I say, trying to sound playful, "It's rare of her to ask for help for something like this."

Her expression is unreadable.

"What's strange about that...?" she replies without looking, "I just want...to make a good impression."

Her nervous tone catches me off guard.

Who on earth...could make Moa act like this...?

It's as if...

...as if she really wants to impress someone...

...Do I really want to know the truth...?

Could it finally make me give up on her...?

_...Then that is for the best._

I take a deep breath, forcing out a smile on my face. This could mean nothing, or everything.

But I need to know.

"A good impression to whom?" I ask her, "Do you have a crush or something? Who's the lucky guy?"

I didn't know what I was expecting, but it was certainly not what Moa says next.

"Not a guy..."

Clutching the dress in her hand, she casts her gaze to her feet and mumbles, with a small voice that is almost drowned by the rain.

"It's a girl."

Those words sound more deafening in my ears than the cracks of thunder outside, than the slightly rattling windows, than the downpour thrumming continuously on the roof above.

In my head, there is only silence.

I thought I heard her wrong.

I  _wish_  I had heard her wrong.

Everyone who is close to Moa might come to suspect this after knowing her for some time.

But nobody really assumes anything in Moa's touches, kisses, and stares...

Not even me...no matter how much I hope it means something.

I am too afraid to be hurt, too afraid to ruin this long friendship we have.

And yet...

And yet what is this...?

Somewhere deep inside my mind, I want to celebrate how with a one in a million chance that Moa is also attracted to girls, it actually happens for real.

But all I get from this revelation is deeper hollow cracks in my broken heart.

Because Moa might be in love with a girl.

And that girl is not me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, here is chapter 4 of Endless Rain! For those who don't know, in real life Moa has two best friends and classmates named Yui Kitamura and Momoka, both of them artists.
> 
> Hope you enjoy the chapter!

 

_"Yui..."_

_"What is it, Moa...?"_

_"Why is your name Yui...?"_

_"...come again...?"_

_"Your written name is weird... I just realized it when writing down my friend's name Yui. It's kinda hard to read yours as 'Yui'."_

_"You're the one to talk, Miss Saiai."_

_"Oh, c'mon. There's no need to be cheeky, is there?"_

_"I don't know. I heard my name represents 'bond'."_

_"'Bond'...?"_

_"Dad said it's something about 'we are bonded for a reason'. That's why he chose that writing ...A bit cheesy, isn't it? I don't think it suits me..."_

_"What are you talking about? That's really sweet."_

_"...thank you."_

_"My name represents 'love', and yours represents 'bond'."_

_"... It's like those names are made for each other, isn't it...?"_

_"I guess so! This means we will become best friends forever!"_

_"Really?"_

_"Of course!"_

_"Then let's be together forever!"_

_"Even when we become grannies...I still want to spend all my time with you, Yui."_

_"Okay...then..."_

_"It's a promise."_

 

* * *

 

_Nidoto ae-nai kedo_

_wasure-naide itai yo._

_Yume ga tsuzuku nara_

_same-nai de._

 

**_We shall never meet again,_ **

**_but I want not to forget you forever._ ** ****

**_If the dream continues, I wish I'll never wake up from it._ **

 

* * *

 

Moa can make herself known to pretty much anyone with boundless confidence. From the scariest-looking musicians to the most skeptical interviewers, she can warm up to them almost immediately, like it's the most natural thing for her. I once saw her starting a conversation with a random English staff who happened to speak Japanese, and within minutes they were debating on which landlocked country in Europe is the best to live in if you're not a law-abiding citizen, while everyone around gave them weird stares.

The exception of this rule are, of course, cute girls that she never met before.

It is like she turns into a whole different person. She can't look at them in the eye, she can't speak well, and she's shy around them until she's comfortable enough to open up. She once finished second to last in a race just because some cute girls she didn't know were cheering for her in the sidelines.

_"I am weak to cute girls."_

_"They make my hands sweaty and my heart beat faster."_

That is something she has admitted openly.

However...

I could feel all of my friends staring at me with their mouths open in shock when I asked them hesitantly during one outing, a few days after Moa's confession.

"Am I a cute girl...?"

One of them then exasperatedly told me she had to seriously re-evaluate her life choices... and another jokingly said it would be my fault if she was laid up with depression after this.

Okay... I might be phrasing that wrong.

Being the one third of the kawaii in kawaii metal, I've heard, countless times, from adults to peers to classmates and total strangers, that I am one of the cutest girls they have ever seen.

I've even heard it directly from Moa's mouth.

Many times, over and over.

... _Then why..._  I keep thinking to myself,  _...why isn't she in love with me...?_

I get that the layperson won't understand what I feel.

Yui Mizuno could be the cutest girl in the world and she still has no chance of stealing Moa Kikuchi's heart.

And that hurts more than anything.

I didn't know I could feel this much pain.

I managed not to reveal anything to Moa that day.

I assured her that I'm happy I could learn of this directly from herself, and that it's alright for her to have a crush on a girl, and that I will always support her no matter what.

Even before I said it...I already knew that it was a lie.

On my way back home I boarded a train carriage. It took a few seconds for me to realize that it was empty, and inside it I was all alone.

Not long afterward...everything came back to me in a flash, and the dam that had been holding back the flood of tears in my eyes suddenly broke down into pieces.

I clutched on the pole as hard as I could, not making a single sound.

I just let every drop flow down from my cheeks and onto the floor, gritting my teeth to hold back the sobs that threatened to break through.

Even if I am in a different league from that girl, ultimately beauty is in the eye of the beholder...

Whatever I do, Moa finds something in that girl that she doesn't find in me.

Nothing I do can change that.

As soon as the train arrived at my destination, I leapt to my feet and dashed out to the station.

I didn't want anyone to notice.

I didn't want anyone to see.

These tears I shed for my best friend aren't supposed to be there.

I should be smiling and supporting her from the bottom of my heart.

And yet... _why can't I do it?_

 

* * *

 

Excellence. Mastery. Perfect combustion.

Ever since I was little I have been living with those ideals.

It is not hard for me to seriously hide my emotions, to the point that nobody can find out how I really feel.

Moa is more sensitive than an average person, but she is not a mind reader.

She would notice something, but as long as I put on a smile and brush her off, she wouldn't pry further.

Moa has respect for personal, although not necessarily physical, privacy. Which is why I both love and hate her so much.

She is always all over girls around her.

Girls that are not me.

There is no knowing how she would react if I confess my feelings to her.

The last thing Moa needs now is more drama.

I saw how vulnerable and anxious she looked when she came out to me.

I have to show her that it's completely okay to have a crush on a girl, that I am here for her whenever she needs me, that I'm here to give her my unconditional love...

No matter how much I am slowly breaking inside.

And I cannot avoid her forever, she's my best friend and co-worker.

The only way I can get through it is treating it as though nothing happens.

_I can do this. I can bear it till the last._

_For Moa._

_For myself._

When Moa hesitantly brings it up again during one of our study sessions in her house, I have already prepared myself.

I respond with the only way I know how: light-hearted banter.

"I can't believe there finally comes a day when you fall in love! Congratulations on reaching a new landmark in life," I say, clapping my hands, "But...Are you sure about this? You're easily led after all."

Moa, who is sitting in front of me on the floor with her legs crossed, begins massaging her forehead in frustration. "I've thought about this...a lot. I can't get her off my mind."

I tap my finger on the table between us, scribbling randomly on my book to keep calm.

"...Sure thing. But be careful. You've been going around leaking pictures, if the press finds out about your--"

I stop abruptly, seeing how her eyes widen in fear. She hasn't told me who it is that she loves, but it's become pretty clear...

"...this is one of them, isn't it...?" I ask her, noticing her hand clenching on the table, "This is one of those friends you--"

"I can't help it, okay?" she sighs, "I don't even know why I like her. I just...do. It's driving me crazy."

I understand those emotions.

You're scared...you can't control it...you don't know why but... you can't ignore it.

_Don't worry, Moa..._

_I am here for you._

Even now, when she is talking about some other girl...I couldn't help but feel overwhelming affection for her.

"I'm just...not in her league," she says.

I quickly leap to her defence. "Now, that's just not true. How can Moa Kikuchi, the one and only Moametal, not be in anyone's league?"

"She never really looks my way," she says with a bitter laugh, "I guess I'm just a good friend for her..."

I understand her.

Because I feel the exact same thing.

But there is nothing I can do.

"I don't know, Moa, I'm sorry I don't have any advice..."

"That's okay. We're not exactly surrounded by people who can freely date," she says, "And we don't have any experience to learn from. Momoka seems to like the topic, but what does she know about dating anyway?"

She lies her head on the table and stares at me with those beautiful brown eyes. "You know something...? Actually I feel better just talking with you. I'm so happy to have you, Yui...I can't exactly admit this to anyone. And you never hate me or anything afterward...I'm so, so happy..."

That smile of hers is like a knife that is thrust deep inside my heart.

It takes everything in my power just to keep myself from reacting, from showing any emotions, from behaving in any way that is different from normal.

"Don't mention it. We're good friends, aren't we?" I say lightly, "You can tell me anything, Moa. You know that."

I can feel the knife being twisted mercilessly inside my chest when I see those dimples begin to form.

_I want her...so bad..._

_She's so close to me...and yet so far away..._

"A...anyway...you have to be careful..." I tell her, "If this story leaks out, you'll be in trouble."

"I will," she says, crawling closer to sit next to me.

I almost wince when she leans her head against my shoulder and lets out a satisfied sigh. My heart immediately goes into overdrive.

 _She does this all the time,_  I tell myself,  _She does this all the time, why is my body reacting this way now? ?_

I already know what comes next. When Moa is feeling particularly touchy, she would wrap her arms around me, and put her face near my neck. Back then, unlike some of our friends, I didn't mind her breath tickling my skin, her arms brushing against my chest, and how she would stay in this position as long as she wanted to.

But now I can't even last a minute.

"Mo...Moa?" I croak.

"Um...sorry..." she withdraws a little, "I shouldn't be doing that...now that you know I..."

"No, that's not it."

_It's the opposite._

But Moa is caring and kind... she never has any intention to hurt me.

In fact, she would feel more pain than me if she knows what I'm going through.

"It doesn't matter. You can still hug me like always," I tell her.

"...then..." she whispers, nuzzling up to me, "Please... let me stay like this for a bit longer..."

I struggle to breathe evenly for a second but a moment afterward, I begin to relax in her embrace. Her arms squeeze a fraction tighter and my body melts into hers as every muscle loses its tension to the summer air. She smells like fresh fruits and I can't get enough. I feel her gently rubbing my arm and breathing me in, making the heaviness in my stomach flutter into inexplicable joy.

I am sinking deeper and deeper into her warmth. This simple gesture feels like a dream, a dream I never want to wake up from.

She doesn't love me, but...

I am so grateful we can still hug like this...

_Moa, I love you..._

_I wish I could tell you that._

_I am supposed to give up on you, but..._

_I need you._

_I wish you could love me back..._

I have to say something.

I have to say something or else I'll break down crying.

"So...it's not Momoka...is it...?" I question.

She shakes her head.

"Then who...?"

I wish I hadn't asked.

I thought I was already prepared with whatever her answer would be.

I was sorely mistaken.

"...It's Yui," she says softly with a shaking voice, as if she is about to cry.

"Yui Kitamura."

My heart nearly stops beating...

Before it is inevitably crushed into countless tiny pieces.

So many things are going through my mind at that very moment.

_"Why is your name Yui...?"_

This can't be true...can it...?

_"It's like those names are made for each other, isn't it...?"_

Why is fate so cruel to me...?

_"My name represents 'bond'."_

A bond that I always cherish.

But at what expense...?

_"We will be best friends forever..."_

I'm sorry...

I'm really sorry...

I can't...

I can't bear with this anymore...

It's too painful.

Watching her being in love with someone else.

And hearing my name being spoken with so much love from her mouth...

Love that is never mine.

_"Let's be together forever."_

I can't be her friend forever.

I can't be at her side forever.

I can't look at her smile and stop wishing that she could be mine.

One day, I would have to disappear.

Disappear from her life forever, and have a new lease on life, before this love has the chance to kill me.

And even then I don't know if I can ever forget her.

_"It's a promise..."_

A promise that shall forever be broken.


	5. Chapter 5

_“Yui? Yui? Why are you crying?”_

_Oh no..._

_“Is there something wrong?”_

_I don’t want you to see..._

_“Can you tell me what’s wrong...?”_

_I’m a mess...please don’t look..._

_“Yui...?”_

_Don’t look...please..._

_“Okay...”_

_Please...don’t..._

_“If you want to talk...I’m here...”_

_I don’t want to..._

_“Then it’s okay...”_

_...what...?_

_“It’s okay to cry. It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me anything. I’m still here. I’m here for you.”_

_..._

_“If...if you want me to leave that’s okay too...”_

_No..._

_No...please stay..._

_Please stay here with me..._

_I’m sorry that I’m such a mess..._

_“...I am here. I’m here for you, Yui.”_

_I know..._

_I know you always are..._

_Please hug me and kiss it all away..._

_Moa._

 

* * *

 

_Dooshite waratteta no?_

_Dooshite samishikatta noni?_

_Dare mo shira-nai, hontoo wa tada_

_ai-tai. Sore dake datta._

 

**_Why was I smiling?_ **

**_Why so though I was feeling lonely?_ **

**_Nobody knows that I really just_ **

**_wanted to see you. That was all._ **

* * *

 

I can’t go back like this.

Not when both of my brothers are at home and they are going to fuss over me, trying to “beat up the guy who made me cry.”

So I aimlessly wander alone around Tokyo, going from station to station, in a fruitless attempt to fill that void that grows bigger inside me as I leave Moa’s house.

How can I keep going like this...?

_I love Moa so much._

Can I even bear seeing her all the time, spending countless hours with her in the same room during tours, sharing the stage with her when we perform as Babymetal?

We have established a strong brand and a look that cannot be found anywhere else in the world. We have found a way to make us stand out in the music industry, to make our photos seem to leap off the page in any magazines, to have legions of hopeful dedicated fans following and analyzing our every move. I can’t just stop performing as Yuimetal.

My thoughts are as unclear as my destination right now.

I end up in the harbor, watching ships and boats head to the sea or turn landward as I sit there, feeling more empty than I have ever been in my life. The smell of salty winds and mouldy seaweed fills the air as the color of the sky slowly turns from majestic blue into deep flaming red. It is only when the sun completely sets and the seagulls are no longer visible in the hazy purple sky that I stand up and stumble back.

However, my thoughts are still in shambles...and I’d hate looking miserable at home.

What else can I do...?

I board another train to the center of the city, choosing a random station to get off to. I wander down the crowded streets, with people from all sorts of background roam like marching ants underneath the skyscraper buildings, none ever giving me a second glance. I stare up to the sky, feeling lonelier than ever, just a small speck among these infinite seas of people. And then I see it on one of the big screens overhead.

A Babymetal commercial.

“Leading the world in kawaii metal: Babymetal...!”

I see Moa and me in our black, silver, and red uniform, dancing side by side in radically different styles but perfectly in sync, the best partners on a journey toward world domination.

Moa used to hate being called my partner.

I never blame her, because we were constantly being paired up and compared to each other until that point.

As much as we lean to being given individual projects, it’s just not possible with Babymetal...in many people’s eyes, our existence has become one.

Even so, Moa never shows any kind of resentment toward me.

She’s always there for me...always caring...always ready to greet me with a smile.

But...it doesn’t really matter now.

I stand there staring up at the huge screen, getting lost in every camera closeup of Moa.

How long has she been in love with that girl...?

Has she ever thought of me in that way whatsoever...?

Has she told our fellow member about this--

And then I remember her.

Su.

Her house is just nearby.

For a few moments I could only stand there, unmoving.

Su has nothing to do with this, but...

This despair is leading me nowhere.

My legs seem to move on its own as they bring me toward Su’s house.

And as if right on cue, it comes again several minutes later.

The rain.

Droplets of water fall gently on my face as I make my way toward Su’s doorstep. A downpour would make me feel even more miserable than before, but right now it is the least of my worries.

By the time I arrive at Su’s house, it has become a full-fledged thunderstorm.

There is no way to turn back now.

I take a deep breath and push on the doorbell.

The first thing I hear is a small crash, which is immediately followed by Su’s disgruntled voice.

“Ow...why the heck is there a leakage there...Ouch...ow, my feet...hey, Monika! Don’t suddenly appear like that--wait, where are you going? Monika! !”

I hear a bark and loud shuffling sounds before the door finally opens, revealing Su struggling to get hold of a lively dark brown Yorkshire Terrier in her arms.

“Monika...you...calm down already...!” she looks up to me and our eyes meet. “Wha...Yui-chan? ?”

I give her a nervous smile.

I don’t exactly come to her place often.

“Um...hey.”

“Why are you...argh sorry, she really hates thunder, she always goes crazy like this when she hears one. Hope you don’t mind.”

“That’s okay. I like dogs.”

“That’s a relief. Come on in.”

I sheepishly take off my shoes before following her into the living room. Her dog quickly leaps away from Su the first chance she gets, and starts sniffing my feet excitedly.

“Fine, do whatever you want,” Su scoffs at the dog as she walks out of the room. Monika doesn’t refuse when I sit on the floor to give her a head rub.

I hear the sound of a fridge being opened and Su’s voice comes from the kitchen, “Goodness, why is there so little food left...I thought Nee-chan has done her shopping. This won’t last us two days. Sorry, Yui-chan, there’s just me in the house, everyone is away at this moment...”

“Um, Su-chan? It’s okay, you don’t have to get anything for me-“

“Nonsense. You’re a guest.”

There is a pause before she hesitantly adds, “That’s the least I can do, so...”

Her voice trails off awkwardly.

Su definitely noticed the traces of tear streaks on my cheeks and my swollen eyes.

She probably has no idea what to do, because I usually run off to Moa for these things.

But as much as I want to do that now, it’s just not possible.

When I remember Moa again, more tears are threatening to fall out. Monika gives me a confused stare as she curiously nudges my chin.

Su’s face appears at the door. “Yui-chan, what are you-- oh God, I’m sorry, um, please make yourself comfortable.”

She seems to think that I start crying again.

“No, Su-chan...I’m...alright...”

“You definitely are far from alright...”

I can’t deny that, so I just stay quiet.

She nervously scratches her head, unsure of what to do.

To be honest I am clueless as she is, suddenly barging into her house like this. I also don’t want to put her in a tight spot.

But I don’t know where else to go.

“...it’s okay, Su-chan. You don’t need to do anything. I just...didn’t feel like going home.”

I can see her shoulders slumping in concern. She looks around her before pointing at the TV.

“Then um...should we watch a movie? I know you have a leaning toward comedies and Disney...so I’m not sure if you’ll like my collection.”

She takes my small nod as a yes and turns on her DVD player.

She sits beside me, with Monika between us, and for some reason begins giving me her personal commentary of the movie. Su can be quite the chatterbox when she wants to be. She fills the silence between us with her voice, from innocently commenting on the actors’ singing to accidentally revealing to me which characters are in the know and spoiling the whole movie.

I don’t mind it at all. I know she’s trying her best to cheer me up, and she does it in her own Su-like way. I only nod along with her and give her brief responses, up until near the climax of the movie.

“...and then in her last-ditch attempt to save her friend, in the next scene she would go to one of those narrow paths leading from the main hall, and sacrifice herself...”

“Why would she do that?”

She looks taken aback.

This is the first time I reply her with a question.

“Well...the most popular interpretation is because she’s in love with her friend...?”

“Don’t you think it’s foolish...?” I ask her, “She is going to die for someone who never loves her back.”

“Well, I...” Su looks at me curiously, “I’ve never really fallen in love with anyone, so...”

She catches up quickly when she sees the gleam at the corner of my eye.

“...have you...?” she asks quietly.

When she realizes that my eyes become even wetter, she panics and tells me, “Uh, I’m sorry! You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to!”

“No, it’s fine, I...” I say with a choked voice, “I’m just...out of ideas. I don’t know what to do.”

Su looks at me for awhile, then I feel her gently draping an arm over my shoulder.

“You can say whatever you want and I’ll listen,” she softly says, leaning her head against mine, “Or you can just sit here and listen to the rain. Both are fine for me.”

I stare at her for a while.

“Did I say something wrong?”

“No, but...” I can’t suppress a small smile, “You’re not usually like this.”

“What?”

“When you see someone cry, you usually...just laugh it off. Not that it’s a bad thing.”

“Well...Moa-chan told me some things about...what she always does to you when you get sad...” she says, “That’s why I...I think...”

She stops abruptly when she sees that real tears are now falling down my cheeks.

Again.

It happens again.

I want to forget her, I want to give up.

But when I remember how much she means to me it all comes rushing back.

“Yui-chan! Are you okay? Um...tissues...tissues...”

Monika reaches up to me and licks up my wet cheek, as Su frantically searches for her tissue box.

At that moment I know I am already far too deep into this love to turn back.

Her traces follow me everywhere I go...

Even when she is not here I still smile because of her...

And I still miss her  _so_  much...

I feel that I am being unfair to Su.

She is trying her best to help me and I can’t just leave her in the dark.

When I take the tissues from her hand, I stare at her straight in the eye and say, “Su-chan...I need to tell you something.”

She looks surprised, but she listens to me patiently as I tell her everything about my feelings for Moa.

About how much I try to ignore it, and how much I convince myself that it would eventually go away.

About how utterly destroyed my heart was, when Moa would probably never love me back.

Su doesn’t interrupt me at all, and other than giving me the occasional head pats she doesn’t give much reaction to my story.

Which is a bit nerve-wracking for me, since she might look at me differently now that she knows I have feelings for Moa.

It is only after I finish talking that she speaks again.

“Well...I always think that you have a problem you don’t want to tell us...but I didn’t expect it to be this...” she says carefully, “Um...I’m guessing Moa-chan doesn’t know...?”

I shake my head.

“But... hey...you know how Moa-chan is. Maybe she’s also...”

I cannot tell Su about Moa’s crush on Yui Kitamura. She probably hasn’t come out to Su yet and I don’t want to ruin that for her.

But I am aware that at this moment, Moa doesn’t look at me in a romantic way.

“No, it’s just not possible,” I say to her, “She doesn’t have feelings for me.”

“Hmm...” she seems to be in deep thought, “But Moa-chan also seems kind of strange lately, like she has a lot in her mind.”

“It...” I don’t know how to explain this in a way Su can understand, “It probably has something to do with her best friend...”

“How do you know...?”

“Just...something I heard from her.”

“Her best friend...hm...I remember being introduced to one of them not too long ago,” she says, “Remember when you were sick several days ago? Moa asked me if she could bring a friend along for our movie night and I said yes.”

“Eh, really?”

“Yeah, the one who is an aspiring actress. Let’s see here,” she crawls to the table and picks up her cell phone, “The three of us took a selfie together. Here she is. Do you know her? I think her name is Kitamura.”

Su shows me a photo of them outside of a movie theater.

Moa and Yui’s cheeks are playfully pressed against each other, and Moa’s expression is indiscernable from the happy laugh she usually shows.

But I know it...just from looking at the picture.

At this time Moa is already in love with her.

“...I do know her,” I answer quietly, “Why do you ask...?”

“Well...you said she probably has a problem with a friend...I just think it’s this friend,” she says, “Because she was being...really weird around her that night. She’s normally weird...but that time she was  _weirder_.”

I can’t help but smile a little.

Moa wears her emotions on her sleeve. She was probably just nervous around her crush.

_Truly..._

_Someone who receives that much love from her is the luckiest girl in the world..._

“Yui-chan...?”

_But I cannot be that girl for her..._

“Yui-chan...? Hey...” she says to me, “You can stay as long as you want here, okay...?”

She holds me close, and doesn’t speak anymore as she lets me quietly cry.

After a period of silence, I notice her humming a familiar song among the sounds of the rain outside...

_“Ah...girls are becoming more like an ideal woman..._

_Smiling at face, crying at heart..._

_saying 'It's right', we never show our tears..._

_..._

_A fox... a fox... I am a female fox..._

_Women are actresses...”_

I close my eyes, listening to Su’s soft voice as I drift off to sleep.

Su is kind... too kind to me.

But what I want the most at that very moment is to run to Moa’s arms, feel her warmth against me, and cry my eyes out against her shoulder.

I cannot tell Su that.

Because every time she embraces me...all I can feel from her is Moa’s touch.


	6. Chapter 6

_"Moa! Your hand's bleeding! What happened? ?"_

_"Ooh...this...I just came back from the chicken coop...you know, that small lean-to they keep at the back...?"_

_"The hens did this to you?"_

_"Just one...I tried feeding it but I guess she hates me."_

_"This is not okay, we should report this!"_

_"No, Yui...it's okay, she just lost her chicks to a wild dog...I think that makes her paranoid..."_

_"_ _Then...I think you should stop visiting the coop."_

_"Nah..."_

_"Eh, but what if that hen hurts you again?"_

_"I like all the hens there...she is no exception."_

_"But... It would take a long time for her to forget it, months at the very least."_

_"This is nothing...She wasn't hurting me on purpose. I'm still going to take care of her. I'm not going to stop just because of the pain."_

_"Moa..."_

_"After all...Isn't that what love is?"_

 

* * *

 

_Zetsuboo sae mo hikari ni naru._

_Yama-nai ame ga furi-tsuzuite mo._

_Zetsuboo sae mo hikari ni naru._

_Kanashii ame ga niji o kakeru yo,_

_ima mo._

 

**_Even the despair becomes the light._ **

**_Though an endless rain continues to fall._ **

**_Even the despair becomes the light._ **

**_A sad rain throws a rainbow_ **

**_even now._ ** ****

 

* * *

 

I never really ask Moa if she came out to anyone other than me. I don't want to lead off any discussion or debate that she might not be comfortable with, so I don't mention it much. I just know that when she needs help before her big day with Yui, I am the one she calls.

Their group of friends planned to hang out after exam week, but they all cancelled at the last minute because of work. Only Moa and Yui were left, and when Moa suggested to change their hangout to some other day so everyone can go, Yui said it's okay if they go, because she has something important to tell Moa.

Apparently Moa can't bear the thought of spending the whole day with just the two of them nowadays. She panics and instantly asks if she can bring a friend along.

Yui said yes.

In fact, she is excited to meet the famed Yuimetal.

Moa sounds pretty helpless when she calls me.

"So maybe I should lecture you about name-dropping your friend in the most convenient times..."

"I'm really sorry!" she cries, "I promise I won't do that again! But she looks like she really wants to see you..."

"Well, you're lucky I don't really have anything to do in the weekends..."

"Really? Then can you also help with my makeup?"

"What?"

"You know, second opinion and everything."

"...Moa..."

"...please! I'm going to pay for all of your expenses for the day!"

I let out a loud sigh. "Fine," I finally say, "And no, you're not paying for any of my expenses."

Ever since Moa has some leeway in buying makeup for herself she has been constantly learning to apply it. I think her enthusiasm in it is higher than mine, so I don't have the slightest clue why she even asked me.

I can't help but think if I am even more hopeless than she is for agreeing to help my crush getting ready for an outing with the girl she likes. If I have even the slightest common sense...I should be leery of this sort of thing.

_What the heck am I doing...?_

When the day finally comes, I still question if this is the right decision, or if I am just crazy.

Crazy in love.

"So...even after spending almost ten years withmakeup artists, I still never get their exact technical know-how."

"Can you please not say that  _after_  you agreed to help me with my makeup?"

"Think about it as a disclaimer of sorts," I give her a shrug, "I don't know why you need me when you're clearly better at this than I am."

"I just...can't do it alone. I'm a mess. I couldn't sleep last night."

"Well that's one area we can start from. Those baggy eyes certainly need some fixing."

I try my best not to think about Moa's crush too much. After all I am there to help her, not complicate things. I guess the quicker we get over this, the better.

"I'm sorry for the noise, Dad is fixing the leaky pipe."

"No problem."

"And...I've put everything I own on that table..."

I give them a sweeping glance and a particular brand leaps out at me. "...In the end, you really did buy that expensive Chanel foundation that you really want," I remark, noticing it among her makeup kit on the table.

"Are you kidding me? ? That thing's out of my league! It's a birthday present!"

"Birthday present?"

She nods, and I don't ask further. She probably received it from Yui and her other friends. It's not something that I want to know...

"So, shall we begin?" I sit on one of the chairs and fold my arms.

"...promise you won't mess it up as a prank?"

"Why would I? ?"

"You sound reluctant when you--"

"Stop wasting my time and just sit there already."

People are strange when they fall in love.

We spend the next hour giving her the best natural makeup she can wear. I'm honestly not confident in my skills, but I often watch Moa getting her hair or face done and try my best to remember the important points.

In just a few minutes, I already start regretting this. It's very hard to be in such close proximity to her face, and stop myself from thinking about how my eyes unconsciously trace everything, from her thick lashes down to the defined edges of her jaw...how that pair of dimples that appears and re-appears with her smile causes my heart to leap to my throat...how when she parts those beautiful pink lips I find myself licking mine...

I want to avert my eyes, but I can't. I am trapped in this makeup session, without any chance of looking away.

This feels like a special kind of torture.

A torture that I got myself into.

All I can do is focus on my work while keeping a straight face...which becomes much harder to do when Moa starts talking about her crush.

"Her mom owns a cosmetics shop, so she gives out free samples left, right, and centre. I ever received that lipstick from her as a gift, complete with a handwritten card. Her writing's barely legible, but she told me it's her lucky color, which she wore when watching her favorite baseball team getting a last-gasp victory," Moa cheerfully explains, "She said she likes my lips and thinks the color would look really great on me. What do you think?"

"Mm-hmm," I mumble, trying to look interested and failing.

"Yui?"

"Hm? Oh, yeah, I like your lips. They're perfect."

_Everything about you is perfect, not least those lips..._

_You don't need compliments from her to know that_.

Wait...what...?

At that moment I realize what I'm feeling is petty jealousy.

And that is so unfair to Moa, who is smiling so brightly because she is giddy to meet Yui.

The most dashing smile that is not mine and will never be.

She remembers so many makeup tips Yui gave her, and spends the hours leading to their hangout to match up to her expectations.

It's those little things that are slowly killing me inside.

Watching her trying so hard...being so excited and full of joy...and I am here wishing there is some way to ruin it all.

The cruelest thing I could wish for is the demise of Moa's love. It's so selfish to think that Moa has to lose her happiness for me to gain mine.

I don't deserve to be loved by her.

"I'm so glad you're here with me, Yui," she says to me as I'm applying some blush-on on her face, "It's comforting to have you here..."

"I'm not doing anything much."

"But you're here for me," she beams, "That's what matters."

I give her a blank stare, my hands unmoving.

_Don't smile at me like that._

_Not when I have nothing but jealousy in my mind._

_Not when I want so desperately for that smile to be mine._

_Not when I can barely control myself right now...being so close to this perfection who would never see me the same way I look at her..._

She gazes at me with those deep earth-colored eyes and soon I am swept away by the immense beauty of that pair of orbs. She just sits there, with a tint of curiosity in her expression, and I unconsciously lean down to her until I can feel her breath on my face. When our foreheads almost touch, her lemony smell floods my senses and the whole world seems to fall away.

Moa is used to physical intimacy with other girls...maybe that is why she doesn't react or pull back.

Do I dare to take advantage of that...?

And play off whatever I'm about to do as a joke like old times, which goes against everything that I feel for her...?

I know she doesn't love me back...but I cannot resist. The closer I get to her, the more trivial our lasting friendship seems to be. I cannot fight the thoughts that are going through my mind...about how those lips would taste against mine...about how I can reach out and hold her face in my hands...about how I can unleash all of these overwhelming pent-up feelings into one desperate, passionate kiss.

I don't know if I would regret this in the least, but all I can focus on is how I just need to leap at this chance and close the small distance between us...

"Yui...?"

My heart flutters at her voice. I can listen to her calling my name forever...

_Moa...I love you..._

_Enough to ruin everything we have built..._

However, when I stare straight into her eyes, unblinking, I find out the most painful truth.

That for Moa this doesn't mean anything.

When I realize that, my mind is violently thrown back to reality.

_Moa doesn't love me._

_For her this would be just another kiss from a good friend._

_It won't mean anything to her, despite what I feel._

My last-minute decision is to make up something on the fly.

"...that color does look good on you," I say.

"Eh...?"

I pull back from her. "The lipstick your friend gave you. She has good taste," I remark with a monotonous voice.

"Oh," is all she says. She still looks pretty confused.

"I ever saw it in a magazine poll. It's in the lead for the most popular color of the season."

"Ah, I didn't know that..."

"Anyway," I say, turning away from her, "It's all done now. You're very beautiful, I still think you worry too much--"

"Really?" she asks, regarding me closely.

"What...?"

"Do you think I'm beautiful?"

I freeze on the spot, noticing her watching my every move, as if judging my reaction.

What is she talking about...?

_It doesn't matter what everyone thinks... it doesn't matter what Yui Kitamura thinks..._

_For me, Moa is perfect in every way._

Not that she would ever understand that.

"...yes, I do," I say to her, "You don't really need me to tell you that."

 

* * *

 

I once watched a movie where two people were travelling together in a long journey. In the final leg of the trip, they fell in love, so much that they were willing to leave their spouses for each other. It never makes any sense to me. Because in my mind, I don't know how they could marry other people if they were going to throw it away for someone else anyway.

_Which is better, love where you ruin your own relationship..._

_...or love that you cannot move on from...?_

I don't want to know the answer.

That afternoon, I follow Moa to the part of town that is so familiar to me, because we often come here together. We pass shop after shop, as I sadly recall the memories I share with her in them. To the left of the cafe where we celebrated my birthday once is the CD store where she showed me some C-ute DVDs. To the left of that store is an arcade where she spent an hour trying to get me a bunny plush from a UFO catcher.

The LED lights flash on us as we walk past, reminding me of those precious memories when we were laughing together in front of the game machines, when we were dancing with all our might and still getting low scores, when we were competing in basketball and she tried to cheat by tickling my back...

Those are memories that will be gone forever.

I still wonder why I am willing to lend her moral support, when all it does is making her closer to the girl she loves and farther away from me.

Although I can't bear thinking about her feelings for another girl for any length of time...

_Moa is happy._

_Her grateful smile is exclusively for me._

_And I can never get enough of it._

The term "hopelessly in love" seems to have a whole different meaning to me now...

Despite my conflicted feelings, she still looks very adorable to me.

"Do I look okay?" she asks me.

"Yes, Moa, you look great. We'll have a good time together."

"I hope so," she smiles giddily, "She said she'll be here in less than no time."

She's giving it her all for the girl she likes.

I am just here to help her.

_Maybe this can be a lesson to me..._

_Maybe with this I can finally let her go..._

"Ah, there she is...!"

I turn around and see her among the crowd...the girl from Su's picture.

She notices us and waves excitedly, but when she makes her way to us...the smile on Moa's face disappears.

Yui is not alone...she's bringing someone else with her.

A tall, broad-shouldered young man is walking next to her, and when I see them holding hands my heart drops to my stomach like a heavy stone.

I turn to Moa to catch her reaction, any reaction, but there's nothing there.

Just a quiet, empty stare, even when Yui gives both of us a friendly greeting.

"Sorry to make you wait! And oh, you're Yuimetal, aren't you?" she says, shaking my hands, "Oh my God, I've been wanting to meet you for ages! Moa told me so many things about you! You're amazing on the stage!"

"Oh, uh, thanks," I reply awkwardly.

This is really not going to the direction that I like...

Moa doesn't say anything until Yui takes a deep breath and addresses her directly.

"...Moa, I've been wanting to tell you... You're my best friend, so I feel that you should know from me before anyone else," she says, "Haruto and I are dating now."

The whole world seems to be turning slower than before.

I stand there, paralyzed, memories of that day come rushing to my mind.

Moa, happily talking about the girl she likes and her cosmetics shop...

Moa, trying to remember the makeup tips that she received from the girl she likes...

Moa, adorably worrying about how she would look in front of the girl she likes...

Moa... who is now looking at that girl with the most painful gaze.

It only happens for a split second.

And then... in an instant... it vanishes.

There is no trace of disappointment or awkwardness as she says excitedly to Yui, "Oh my God! Really? ? When did this happen? You should've told me sooner! ! Congratulations!"

I watch her as she continues to talk with Yui and her boyfriend, enthusiasm showing in her every word, as pain builds up my heart like never before.

At that moment I am reminded of Su's lullaby to me in the rain...

_"Girls are becoming more like an ideal woman..._

_Smiling at face, crying at heart..._

_saying "It's right", we never show our tears..._

_..._

_A fox... a fox... I'm a female fox..._

_Women are actresses..."_

And then I hear it, the little shake in Moa's voice.

"Haha, what's this?" she says, rubbing her eyes, "I'm so happy for you I start crying..."

I blink back my tears and lower my head, trying to hide it from the world...

The last thing I ever want is Moa experiencing the very same thing that I do.

 


	7. Chapter 7

  
_Yama-nai ame ga kokoro mitasu yo,_

_itsu made mo._

**_An endless rain fills my heart_ **

**_forever._ **

 

\----44----

 

Years ago, I missed out on a Sakura Gakuin concert because I caught the flu. After spending several days being bed-ridden and overcome by lethargy, my health had improved in leaps and bounds right on the day of the concert. I begged my parents to let me perform, but they insisted that I still needed more rest or else my flu would relapse. My parents were usually more lenient to me when it involved Sakura Gakuin, but at that time they even gave me the "One day you're going to leave childhood behind, so don't waste it on work and just enjoy it when you can" lecture. I pouted and spent my whole day on the living room couch, refusing to change out of my pajamas. When I thought about how everyone was giving their best that day and I was stuck here at home, I felt more miserable than before, especially when it began to rain outside. I turned on the TV and watched one of those random inspirational sports movies.

Just when the story reached its climax and the enemy team finally lost their two-goal lead, I heard the doorbell ring.

Followed by loud, erratic knocks on the door.

"Yes! ?" I shouted, nearly tripping over my own foot as I ran to the front.

What's happening?

Is there an accident? An earthquake? A robbery?

I opened the door in a rush, expecting to see a cop or a worried neighbor.

But instead...the only person I found outside was one lone girl, still in her Sakura Gakuin uniform, completely soaked from rain, sweat and tears.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw her. "Mo-"

"YUI...! !"

She dropped her bag on the floor and tackled me so hard I almost fell on my back. She hugged me tight and cried all over me, making my pajamas wet in an instant.

"Moa? ? Why are you here? ?"

"I'm so worried about you I can't take it anymore! ! I went here as fast as I could. I can't stop thinking about you, Yui! !"

"I'm okay! See? I'm better now. Didn't you read my email?"

"I did! But I can't just go home to Nagoya and not see you until the end of next week! I can't wait that long! I need to see you and make sure you're okay!"

I realized it was useless to argue with her.

I let her wrap her arms around me and she didn't let go, as if in her mind I was going to disappear if she did.

After standing there for a while I told her that we probably should move to the living room, to which she only said "yes, let's". Mom found us at this moment, and although she appreciated how Moa went to such lengths to see me, she was not happy with Moa's decision. After talking for a bit with the sobbing Moa, she called Mrs Kikuchi to pick Moa up, and helped explain my condition.

The whole time, Moa was clinging to my arm.

There was something in the way she worried about me, the way she held on to me close, the way she risked it all to come, that warmed my heart and made me forget about my bad day.

She kept asking if I was okay.

She held my hands and pressed her forehead to mine, trying to feel my heat.

She made some jokes and grinned so widely when she saw me laugh.

She didn't stop hugging me even when I warned her that she might catch the flu from me.

When I asked her why, she buried her head in my shoulder and spoke with a muffled voice.

"I don't know...it's calming me."

"Hugging?"

"Yes."

"And that's why you hug everyone."

"Yes," she replied, "But you're different."

"...Don't be silly. It shouldn't be different from hugging your other friends, right?"

"No, it is," she said, "Hugging you is very calming. More than hugging anyone else. I don't know...I can't really explain it...you are..."

She paused for a bit before continuing. "You are special, I guess..."

We didn't talk anymore when Mom came in and said she would make us some lettuce and tomato salad. Moa immediately leapt to her feet and offered to lend her a hand. After Moa took a shower and changed into a shirt and pants, they made the salad together, and Mom taught her how to properly chop the fresh tomatoes. I wasn't surprised that she learned quickly, she was called the Home Economics god in her school after all.

When she proudly showed the tomatoes she just cut to me, I stared into her eyes and realized it for the first time.

That she is special.

I love my best friends, they are all unique and irreplaceable in their own ways.

But Moa is different.

Moa is... more than that...somehow.

At the time, I didn't quite understand.

I only felt a strong, childish attachment to her. I didn't know when or how it happened, that it gradually grew into something else.

Something more powerful, something sweeter.

Something I would never regret having, no matter how much I wish I would.

And when I saw her small figure, soaking in the rain and crying uncontrollably, I promised myself.

That no matter what happens, I would be the shoulder for this girl to lean on.

 

\----44----

 

The day goes on so normally that there is probably no way for Yui Kitamura to find out something is wrong.

We go shopping, hang out in the game center, and watch a movie together. All this time, though, I feel a strange atmosphere is hanging in the air, as if the whole thing is liable to collapse.

However, other than the tears she shed earlier, Moa doesn't show anything out of ordinary.

When we browse around the net for summaries to choose a movie to watch, Moa even still takes the chance to tease me.

"What about this one?" she asks, "'A man keeps leaving his friend mysterious messages lettered in red. Then one day, his friend found out that he was dead the whole tim--'"

"No," I object immediately.

"Oh, c'mon, Yui, it'll be fine," she laughs.

"I said no."

"Fine, then what about this one? 'When a village was found to be haunted, the residents were hesitant to take action and they can't tell anyone because they don't have a leg to stand on, but then a woman decided to take the lead and--"

"Noo!"

I poke her hard on the ribs and she giggles, clearly enjoying my reaction. I know she is also afraid of horror movies, she's just doing this to make fun of me.

How can she still tease me during times like this...?

"Now, she clearly doesn't like horror movies," Yui remarks, and Haruto adds, "Let's just watch something we can all agree on?"

We finally settle on a blockbuster disaster movie, about massive earthquakes which would destroy the Earth.

It's not really my cup of tea, but it's much better than horror.

We manage to buy four tickets at a nice spot in the center of the theater, but it's separated by the stairs in the middle.

"Oh..." Yui says, "Maybe we should choose some other-"

"No, that's fine! You can sit with your boyfriend, and we can sit on the other side!" she says, putting her arm around me.

"Eh? But..."

Moa turns to me and says, "It's totally fine! Right, Yui?"

I give her a look, but decide to go along with her. "Yeah, sure."

I know what she is attempting to do.

I don't want her to sink to my level, but I understand what she feels.

She's doing this to cope.

She's doing this because she loves her.

And I have no right to interfere.

It's just painful beyond measure watching her acting like everything is okay, just to make Yui Kitamura happy.

But I don't make a single comment, even after we finally sit down to watch the movie.

For the most part, Moa's behaving normally. She excitedly goes first and takes the seat which is farther from the stairs. As I sit beside her, she munches on her caramel popcorn and offers me some. When the movie begins, her eyes are seriously fixated on the screen.

I can't help but steal a glance at her every few minutes. She isn't talking much at first, and she doesn't look at the couple sitting across from us, either. It seems like she is genuinely enjoying the movie.

Maybe I'm just thinking too much.

Maybe Moa doesn't take the news as badly as I expected...

I lean back and let myself relax for the first time since we met Yui Kitamura.

If Moa is enjoying herself, then I might as well do the same thing.

The story began like a standard disaster movie, where an official let fall a top secret government experiment inside the Earth that pushes some scientists to bend the letter of the law and dig deeper into the problem. They found evidence that lent support to their theory about potentially catasthrophic seismic disturbances, but when they tried to use it as a lever against the experiment, the government silenced them and left it at that. As expected, the disaster struck and the panicked, unsuspecting people were soon rushing to their certain death like lemmings.

From time to time, Moa and I would comment on the movie, like we always do. Moa's especially liberal with her criticisms for this sort of thing.

"Is that lewd joke by that leggy guy really necessary? In such a tense situation, no less!"

"Shouldn't she tell them to follow the instructions to the letter? They'll mess it up."

"Okay, they messed it up."

"Aand now they're leaderless. Does he have to run? He can fight back, they're on a level!"

As we continue to talk, I secretly feel glad that she's taking this better than I thought she would.

I can't help but smile when I see her laughing and eating popcorn.

Moa's happiness is the most important thing in the world.

If it's a horror movie that helps her bear the heartbreaking news, I would gladly watch with her. I don't care about anything else.

And despite how cheesy it is, it looks like we chose the right movie.

Moa doesn't seem to be bored by it at all.

The main character of the movie had a pet piglet, which she kept on a leash although she carried it everywhere. Moa likes the tiny critter very much.

"Look at it, Yui! It's really cute, isn't it! ?"

"It really is."

"Aah, I wish I could have it as a pet! !"

"I think your Mom won't let you."

"Well maybe one day! I'll take good care of it and keep it away from danger!"

"Like what the owner did in the movie, right?"

"Yes! And look how it tried to cheer her up afterward in that sad scene just now."

"Yes, and just after they got through hell too. It was so horrible I thought even a piglet would cry."

"...The piglet won't cry."

I notice her tone of voice suddenly becomes quieter than before.

I glance at her, wondering if I just said something wrong.

"Cute piglets can get sad too, right?" I ask her.

"The piglet won't cry," she repeats, "...because it knows its owner and the audience needs it to be cute...to make us happy and smile in the midst of that disaster..."

She turns to me, and I feel like my heart has just been violently split into two.

Even under the dim lights, droplets of tears can clearly be seen forming in her eyes, like dews on a leaf after the rain.

She was smiling, the most beautiful smile I have ever seen, with the water creating visible sparkling trails on her cheeks.

"Because if it cries..." she says, "It can't make anyone smile anymore..."

Inside that strong, experienced entertainer who awes the audience with her heartfelt, all-out performance, is a sensitive, affectionate girl who never changes from her crybaby twelve-year-old self.

The girl whom I love so much.

The girl whose tears of sadness I never want to see.

When her shoulders begin to shake and she starts sobbing quietly, the only thing I can think of is to move forward and pull her into a tight hug.

I don't care that people are staring, I don't care if this looks really strange.

All I want at that moment is to support her with everything I can, and to be the pillar this girl needs the most right now.

Moa soon breaks down in my embrace, and as I keep stroking her head and back, she lets it all out as silently as she could.

If she thinks my hug is calming, then I will give everything.

Anything, _anything_ I can. I will give her _all_ of me.

Nobody else needs to see her like this.

Just me alone.

She can show me her weaknesses, her frustration, her despair.

I will be here for her to take it all in.

I don't care that she doesn't love me back...

All I wish for is she could get through this and return to her happy self.

And I would be right here by her side...every step of the way.

 


	8. Chapter 8

If somebody told me, years ago, that I would be one of the leading lights of a brand new music movement, and Japan’s expansion in the international music scene, I would understand none of those words.

The vision that Su’s voice would lend itself well to metal is foreseen, but nobody expected us to become this huge in the long run. Despite some initial libelous statements in the media, no less than tens of thousands of people all over the world right now would come and watch us perform on the stage.

And we love it more than anything.

Leaving aside the years that we have poured into our art, the fans that are always left wanting more, and the great reception we have received overseas, we simply love performing more than anything.

Again and again, big and small, Japanese or abroad, it doesn’t matter.

We are in love with that Babymetal stage.

However, behind everything that we have accomplished, we are just ordinary teenage girls living extraordinary lives.

We feel tired, we feel hurt, we sacrifice our time and let many things go.

But most of all, we like to have fun and do random stuff.

Such as heading to the beach at a whim, just for a certain heartbroken girl.

After saying good bye to Yui Kitamura and her boyfriend, Moa still looks more depressed than ever.

I propose to her that we still can go somewhere else if she wants to, and she gladly accepts my offer.

I thought she would choose to visit as many anime shops and music stores as we could, since her hobbies liberate her from the stresses of everyday life.

However, she suggests to me, “Let’s go to a place we both enjoy.”

My eyebrows lift. “Eh...?”

“You like the stars and the sea, don’t you?” she says, “Then...let’s go to a beach where we can see lots of stars.”

As much as I love this decision, I’m very sure she doesn’t need to think about me, but I let it go at that.

And that is how we end up on a train heading toward the beach. During the whole trip, Moa keeps staring vacantly out of the window while resting her chin on her hand. Her serene figure seems to gleam when her body catches the light of the sunset, and I find myself unable to look away. I guess it’s true that there is beauty behind even the most crushing grief.

It feels like forever before I hear her voice again.

“...is there something on my face...?” she asks me quietly.

If this goes on...

She would notice the longing and sadness in my eyes...

But I can’t stop myself...

“Hey, Yui?” she touches my cheeks with a playful grin, “Your eyes are wet, you know...?”

When I don’t reply, she rubs her forehead against mine and tries to cheer me up, “I’m okay! I’m really okay! See? Don’t look so down.”

Her smile makes me want to cry.

_Pain doesn’t suit you, Moa..._

_But the way that you fight it tooth and nail every time...when your health condition was less than pleasant in tours...when you nearly tore a tendon in a performance...when you were dealing with anguish and heartbreak..._

_It pushes me to keep fighting my own pain..._

The thought never leaves me as the train finally stops at our destination.

Moa offers her hand to me, like always, which I take.

Then unexpectedly, she begins to run.

I’m taken aback, but when I see her cheeky grin I know she’s just having fun.

I follow her, and we don’t let go until we arrive at the beach, running to our heart’s content.

People must think we’re crazy, two teenage girls running and laughing along the seaside in the night, splashing water around our feet without a care in the world. The star-studded sky is like a curtain of dark silk and the song of the rippling waves and flying birds overhead soothe our minds. When we gaze at the faraway surface of the ocean forming the edge of the silver-tinted horizon, we are overwhelmed with the beauty of it all.

However, when we lie down on our backs to stare up at the majestic sky, I realize the most beautiful thing in that place is right next of me.

I sense the warmth of her hand when our fingers intertwined, and close my eyes. All this running reminds me of how much we did it when we were kids...how much I adore that little girl with long straight hair and dimples on her cheeks...

That adorable quirky girlwho always puts a level teaspoon of sugar in her juice...who wanted to open a toy library for needy kids when she was younger...who loves teasing people but is more considerate than anyone I know.

As I listen to her stories...somewhere, deep inside my mind, I still imagine that I could be her real girlfriend.

Under the seemingly endless stretches of stars in the night sky, I feel like I can wish for anything.

I know constellations are a human invention but...I think I just saw a fox up there...

_If only the Fox God really exists..._

_Then all I wish for is this girl who is speaking so softly beside me..._

“...Then my parents thought that their room probably needed a lick of paint...” she says, “So they decided to do it by themselves together...I think I was just four at the time...but they said I tried to help...and made everything dirty. They had to leave off painting every several minutes to stop me from messing things up.”

“You must be so cute...”

“Maybe, because that’s exactly why they didn’t scold me at the time...Sounds like a sweet, happy family, isn’t it...?” she asks, “I always feel that way although I’m an only child...”

She stares up silently for awhile before whispering to me, “...Can I ever have a happy family like that?”

I turn to her and notice her blinking back tears.

This world we live in would put us in the limelight and judge us harshly for going out on a limb and admitting that we are in love with someone of the same sex...still less when we are well-known celebrities.

I am aware that things are getting better... but the life we are leading is not an easy one...

“I think I realized it pretty late, you know...?” she starts, “That I might be attracted to girls...”

“When did it happen...?”

“Let me see...I guess one or two years ago. Although I’ve probably had feelings for girls since forever. I just didn’t know what it means... I’ve always assumed it’s just admiration or something...”

A long sigh escapes her lips. “But even if I realize it sooner...it doesn’t change the fact that the girls I like will never look at me in that way...”

She throws her arms over her eyes and says, “It just feels...horrible. It doesn’t matter how hard I try... it doesn’t matter how famous I become... Nothing can make a girl fall for me.”

“What’s with that negative attitude?” I ask her, sitting upright. My heart is beating faster than before. I know she’s just saying these things because she’s feeling so upset and hopeless. But I can’t bear it when she’s thinking so lowly of herself. “How can you even think that way...?”

“But it’s true!” she sobs, “This is not the first time this happened. Girls just plain don’t like me. None of them ever return my feelings. I don’t think any girl would want to be with me...”

“Stop it...” I grit my teeth, feeling her words piercing through me, “You know that’s not true.”

“It is!”

“It’s  _not_!”

“They’re never interested in me!”

“Well they’re just blind then! Or you’re meeting the wrong girls!”

“You don’t understand! I should just give up!”

“With this attitude of yours, you’ll never get together with any girl.”

“There isn’t  _any_  who ever wants to be with me!”

“You’re wrong!”

“No, I’m not! They never look at me in that way, they never think of me in that way, I’ll just have to accept that  _none_  of them will ever do...!”

Frustrated beyond measure, I grab hold of her collar and finally say it directly to her face.

“ _I do...! !_ ”

All this time...

 _All this time I’ve always loved you_...

_More than any of those girls possibly could..._

_They are nothing like me..._

_I’m always watching you by your side..._

_But..._

“I do...Moa...you just...” I sigh, a painful lump forming in my throat, “You just... never notice...do you...?”

She only stares at me with her mouth open in shock, her eyes becoming as round as a plate.

It is only after I see my vague reflection in her widened pupils that I fully fathom what I’ve just done.

_It’s over..._

_I have said it..._

My grip grows weak and I slump to the sand, finally realizing the teardrops that are running down my face.

_Moa..._

_Moa..._

_In my life you’ve always been an anomaly._

_I’m not yours..._

_...but my heart is..._

_...and I can’t do anything about it._

“Yui...?”

Her fingers hesitantly brushes against my cheek, and when I look up I notice the worry in her eyes.

“I’m sorry...”

That’s the last thing I want to hear from her.

I put her hand away from me and shoot her a glare with watery eyes.

“Why are you apologizing?” I ask her.

“I...” she nervously stares at the ground, “I kinda felt that you like me...”

“What?”

That took me completely by surprise.

“It’s just a feeling...so I think it’s nothing...I guess,” she admits, “And...”

Her words trail off awkwardly, so I continue it for her. “You don’t have feelings for me.”

“Yes.”

I already know that...but it still hurts so much.

And I can’t blame Moa for that.

Love is not something you force after all...

However, everything about her still sets my heart aflutter.

Simply because it’s her.

It’s just Moa, Moa whom I love.

I love the way she looks at me with genuine concern... I love how she tries to wipe the tears off my face...I love how much she shows that she cares...

It’s everything.

I love everything about her...

“You are a little obvious...” she flashes me a small smile, “I can’t really explain it...but there are times when...I can sense something more from you...when...you talk to me or...like just now in my house.”

The moment I remember it, a blush instantly creeps up my face. She is talking about the makeup session, when I very nearly lose control of myself.

Of course, there’s no way she didn’t notice that.

“I...that’s...I didn’t know you realized...”

“I guess I wasn’t supposed to...”

My mind is spinning in circles, and my hands are now covering my face. “I’m sorry...that’s....argh...that’s really embarassing...”

“There, there,” she says as she gently pats my head.

“It’s so lame...”

“Really? I don’t think it’s lame,” she gives my cheek a little pinch, “That just shows you have so much love to give.”

I stare at her and can only see her smile.

As I’m going through a whirlwind of emotions at once, the tightness in my chest slowly lessens.

Moa has been showing nothing but positive reactions to my confession.

It’s probably because it’s Moa, but...

I’m happy that she doesn’t treat me any differently.

She lets out a chuckle and adds, “I always talk about giving out love and things like that...but I think I still have lots to learn...”

“You’re always doing your best...”

“And so are you,” she says, “...I don’t really know everything, but...you’ve definitely suffered so much for me...haven’t you...? All this time, you’re always willing to listen to me... to stick with me... and care for me...although you’re aware that I like someone else...”

“That’s...” I reply with a choked voice, “...that’s because...”

_Because I love you so much._

My sight has become so blurry because of tears, and I can’t see Moa’s face clearly when she presses her forehead against mine.

“I think that...there is still many things I need to learn about love,” she says to me, “I can feel that yours is warm...selfless...and gentle. Will you...”

She pauses a bit before continuing, “...will you give me a chance to learn from it...?”

Her touch on my hand feels so hot on my skin.

It’s just her kindness...

It’s not a promise...

It doesn’t mean anything...

And yet...my heart can’t help but cling to that tiniest piece of hope from those words.

When she opens her arms wide and I meltinto her embrace, I think my tears are never going to stop.

I feel like returning to my eleven-year-old self, seeking refuge in those arms of the precious friend that I adore the most in the world.

_Always._

_Forever._

“Moa...” I sob to her shoulder, gripping hard on her clothes, “Moa, I love you...”

“Thank you,” she whispers, soothingly running her hands through the curls of my hair, “Thank you so much, Yui.”

 

* * *

 

Too many things in life happen by coincidence.

What we do might affect it to a greater or lesser degree.

However, it is no different from placing a wager.

It all lies in how well you play your cards, and even then, fate can interfere in the worst way possible.

A single mistake might cause you to lose everything, or might turn your life to an entirely different direction.

It is by chance that Moa and I met and become close friends.

It is by chance that I can see her many sides, her complexities, her maturity and naivety.

It isby chance that I fell in love with every single one of them.

Moa and I contemplate on these coincidences as we walk back from the beach.

“...let’s say...one of us was not chosen to join Sakura Gakuin...or Babymetal...do you think we would be as close as we are now...?” she asks as she looks up to the sky.

“Definitely not. I would just be that one girl you liked to play with,” I reply.

“A really cute girl.”

I know it’s just something she spontaneously says...but my heart still reacts to it, thumping hard inside my chest.

“But I’m not the kind of cute you prefer, am I...?” I ask her.

“You are, actually.”

“But... you don’t--”

“Well...waaay before I realized I’m into girls, I sometimes had these strange feelings that I couldn’t comprehend at the time, for a few girls that I know. Now that I’m old enough to understand what they mean, I guess I was just crushing on those girls...”

“And...what does that have to do with me?”

“You’re the first that I had those feelings for, many years ago,” she smiles to herself, as if remembering some fond memories, “You are so adorable, and so beautiful, never in my life had I ever seen a girl as cute as you at the time, your cuteness knows no limits. You are talented, and smart, and hardworking, and many times I wondered how I could perform side by side with this walking perfection...and how this isnot just a dream I would wake up from. I think you are my first love.”

That barrage of compliments and confession from her render me suddenly speechless.

All those times she clung to me like a limpet...there existed a moment where she bore feelings for me...and I am never prepared for this possibility.

My face feels hotter than ever when she speaks again, “I didn’t put too much thought in it. Because...it’s just...it feels unreal, you know...?”

My jaw drops, and my thoughts grind into a halt.

“Are...” I say in disbelief, “Are you serious? That’s your reason? Your whole reason?”

“Hey! I was a grade schooler at the time, and at the back of my mind I might just...think you’re way too out there for me, the type of girl every boy gets crazy for...and I love being your best friend and I want to cherish it or...something. Anyway, I guess I forgot about it in a week or so.”

“A week? That’s so cruel...!”

“I was a kid! And you were my first, so of course I didn’t get it at all!”

“Why did you never tell me? ?”

“Because of the reasons I just said!”

“None of those are good enough!”

“What’s wrong with wanting our friendship to stay as it is? ?”

We keep bickering until the rain suddenly falls and we hurriedly run to the station.

I stand silently beside her in the wet, crowded train, feeling let down, when our hands brush against each other.

Then slowly...very slowly...she entwines her pinky finger with mine.

When I regard her curiously, she looks away at the opposite direction, as if avoiding my eyes.

We don’t speak for some time after that, as I wonder what she is trying to do.

It is only when we almost reach her station that she opens her mouth.

“Let’s go watch a movie together again...someday,” she says under her breath.

“Um...” I mumble back, “But... we have a tour soon...”

“Then let’s do it on tour.”

“With Su-chan?”

I notice a small frown on her face.

“Let’s...leave Su-chan off this for now.”

“Why?”

“Because...we can watch with Su-chan some other time.”

It’s neither a convincing nor a clear explanation...but there is something in her tone that gives me something to look forward to.

When I was younger and given the responsibility to shoulder the name “Yuimetal”, I never thought that my feelings for my best friend and fellow member would be a big part of my life.

As Yuimetal and Moametal, we have been living almost half our lives through incredible, astounding events that no other Japanese act has ever achieved. Along the way, the two of us develop a bond that neither of us expected when we first met.

And we will continue walking this path, even with these confusing new emotions getting in the way.

Both of us don’t know what truly lies in store, but...

The way our fingers are linked with each other...assures me that everything will be okay.

 

**\----THE END----**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this far!! Chapter 8 is the last chapter of Endless Rain, but next week I'm going to release an epilogue for this fanfiction, so stay tuned!


	9. Chapter 9

Several months have passed since then.

Despite my confession and Moa's heartbreak, our friendship remains pretty much the same.

Nothing really changed between us, and I prefer it that way.

However, from time to time I would catch her staring at me, or being more quiet than usual, or touching me for longer than she usually does.

They are subtle, so I tend not to notice, and it's easy to assure myself that I'm just overthinking it.

It all changes when one day, Moa suddenly appears on my doorstep with red, tear-filled, swollen eyes and shaking shoulders.

She then tells me she just had a fight with one of her classmates who insulted her best friend.

She ended up with a few wounds on her body, which she knows she would be scolded for if she comes home.

Wincing a little, she sits on my couch and I get the first aid kit for her.

"You didn't start it, did you?" I ask, examining the cuts and bruises on her legs.

"No..."

"Of course. You're already a high schooler. Imagine your Mom's reaction if you did. Her anger could level buildings."

"I didn't do anything. She pushed me and ran."

I lift an eyebrow. Still, it's unusual for the pacifist Moa, who tends to avoid petty conflicts, to get so involved in a verbal argument that her opponent feels the need to get physical with her. What lies behind such an outburst?

After that she is silent for awhile, only flinching once or twice when I gently clean her wounds.

I have done this several times in the past, Moa was an active child and she often ran everywhere and injured herself. Being a nurse is one of my aspirations in life, so I'm happy when she told me I'm good at it and should try being one.

That's why this should've been nothing special.

However...when I notice her regarding my face so closely, I can feel my cheeks burning.

I try my best to ignore it and concentrate on my work, but instead, the smooth skin of her legs distracts me instead. I can see her firm calves and thighs, toned from years of dancing on the stage. I find myself swallowing hard when I touch them with my fingers, and I know Moa is observing my every move.

I have to say something.

Luckily, the TV is on, so I tell her to just lie back and watch with me.

The news channel is showing a band of thieves being arrested for lifting electrical goods from a store. Then they play a segment reminiscing the massive loss of life in Hiroshima after the atomic bombing, and that makes us talk about Su for a bit. After some time, and she has looked far more comfortable than when she first came, I try asking her about the ordeal.

"What happened, Moa?" I say, and the corner of her mouth twitches slightly, "You don't usually get yourself involved in something like this. You'd usually say, 'Please leave me out of this', or, 'I'm not letting myself in for that' when you spot trouble."

"I...I don't know myself."

She genuinely looks a little confused. I'm aware that Moa can be very protective of her friends, so I understand what she might be trying to do.

"I thought you were pretty close with your classmates," I say, sitting next to her.

"There are lines that I think should not be crossed."

I don't want to meddle with her affairs, but I'm very worried about her. "Moa...I don't know if I can help you...but I want to, within limits..."

"It's okay, it's nothing big."

"'Nothing big' that causes you to end up with these wounds...?"

She doesn't give a response. I sigh and put my hand on her shoulder. Time to make some guesses.

"Did she badmouth your best friend?"

"Yes."

"And you couldn't let it go so you got into an argument with her?"

"Yes."

"And for some reason you kept going until she pushed you down?"

"Yes."

I stop for a bit to think of more questions.

If she got that riled up then it's probably someone important. Yui Kitamura immediately comes to mind.

"Was it Yui that you were defending?"

She is quiet for a second before answering, a bit more hesitantly.

"Yes..."

I give her a small shrug. "Well, maybe you should tell Yui about this."

She shifts nervously and says with a barely audible voice. "It's you."

I turn to her and find her gazing back. My heart skips a beat when she speaks again. "She was insulting you, over and over. I couldn't just stand around and laugh when I heard that..."

She waits for my reaction, as if expecting me to scold her.

But all she receives from me is silence.

Because her eyes linger on me, and I am unable to look away.

In an instant, my mind becomes completely blank.

For years, I have been trying to decode every glitter, wrinkle, squint, and gaze that passes from that pair of orbs. And now that she is staring me with the intensity of a thousand suns, my whole voice is taken away. She focuses on an empty space in the air between us, but I still lose myself in the hidden depths of that raw umber.

That is when I first realize it.

That she is trying to communicate something to me, something that was never there before.

It feels so foreign to me that I'm too afraid to ask further.

It's cowardly, but I'm used to limit myself to safe thoughts when Moa is involved.

I don't want to hope too much, or worry too much.

Moa and I are best friends and nothing more.

But that day changes everything.

Ever since then, Moa begins to ask me to go out with her more.

Sometimes her reason is pretty silly, such as finishing food that is left over in her house after a party.

When I ask her why she didn't just invite me to the party instead, she mutters something about too many people around and brushes it off afterward.

She would bring me to places that she loves the most and let me in on her secrets. She would hand me presents and letters out of the blue.

It is the strangest feeling in the world, being given this much attention by the girl of my dreams.

Then on one faithful day, after a practice and workout session in the Amuse studio right before a tour, she finally says it.

"So...I figure I should tell you today or else I'll never do it until we get old and lose all our hair," she mumbles, nervously playing with her twintails, "Maybe this is not good news to you...but..."

It comes completely out of the blue, when both of us are messier than ever and haven't even changed out of our damp shirts yet.

Her confession hits me like a truck and I could only stand there, slack-jawed and motionless.

"Are you seriously...doing this...in a changing room?" I ask her in disbelief.

"I tried doing it before okay? ? But every time we went out I couldn't muster the courage to say it. This place...Amuse headquarters...is where we met, isn't it? So I...think it's perfect. Although..I'm afraid that you've probably hated me by now, so..."

I gape at her, tears slowly welling up in my eyes.

One of the things I love most about Moa is the way that she always makes me feel so warm inside.

I don't know how she does it, it's just the way she is. I don't care what anyone else thinks, for me, she's always been different and special.

It's probably always been that way ever since we met in one of those Amuse Kids classes.

_I am so grateful that I have met you..._

"Yui...?"

She grins sheepishly at me, showing those perfect dimples that I love so much, and I can't help but stare at them, still wandering if this is all just a dream.

When you are used to loving someone without expecting you can ever get together with her...it feels absolutely surreal to hear her confess. Her voice sounds like it comes from another world, from a star...

Since I was young, I love reading books about stars. One of them is a storybook about how the destiny of every person, in the past, present, and future, was already written in the stars. The way you walk the path to adulthood and beyond, would bring you to your fated person.

Even if it involves pain and anguish.

The stars would lead you to your soulmates, whoever they are. They might be the ones you love now, they might not be.

I still read that story sometimes...

Maybe I still believe in it.

"...are you for real?" I say with a cracking voice, and her smile widens with mine, "There's no way I can hate you..."

"So...it's a yes?" she asks with a hopeful tone, "Will you be my girlfriend...?"

I give her a tiny nod.

Her reaction is completely like that of a small child. She jumps enthusiastically, fist pumps the air, and yells, "I did it...!"

I watch her in adoration, and not long afterward she lets out a loud, relieved sigh.

"I thought I wouldn't be able to do it..." she whispers, "I...I think I need to lie down."

She looks a little annoyed when that makes me dissolve into laughter.

On that day I finally know how shedding tears of happiness feels like.

Moa can make me feel anything.

Nobody else can replace her in my life.

She is my everything, she and I are inextricably linked.

From childhood friends, to best friends, to BLACK BABYMETAL, and finally, to lovers.

It's as if it's written in the stars.

 

* * *

 

For a Babymetal member, touring is just another day.

Whether it's on a bus or in a hotel, we are already used to sleeping in places we've never been in.

Moa and I would share a room, and Su would share a room with Nora or a female staff member. It's always arranged like so, and now that I think about it, it's a miracle nothing strange ever happened between me and Moa.

This tour is going to be our first after Moa's confession. When we arrive at the hotel, Nora casually asks us, "The usual arrangements are okay, right?"

Moa immediately responds with a yes, but my accelerating heartbeat prevents me from answering directly.

We haven't gone out much since then. Although I know this is coming, I still can't wrap my head around it.

"Sorry we can't get better rooms. They're still levelling a floor," she hands me the key card, "Don't sleep in, okay? Today is a free day, but you have to wake up early tomorrow."

"Can we go out?" Moa asks.

"No. This hotel's far from the venue but we'll never know what kind of people are lying in wait to ambush you."

Moa pouts at her. "But..."

"Remember how we let you and Yui off lightly last time?" Su warns.

"Yeees..." Moa drawls.

I giggle at her response. Despite the linguistics and cultural barrier, we love nothing more than exploring the foreign world out there. Moa is a little rebellious, but she's reliable and obedient when we need her to.

Moa pauses for a bit before adding to Su, "...It's not like I want to leave my room anyway."

She steals a glance my way and shoots me a wink, immediately turning my adoring look into a red hot blush.

_What is she thinking...?_

Su lifts a brow, but doesn't question further. However, I can see her gazing curiously at me from the corner of my eye, right before we separate to our respective rooms.

"By the way," Su pipes out all of a sudden, "Did you know a man lost his life by jumping out your room balcony?"

The color drains from my face.

"...Just kidding, Yui," she says, and grins when she receives a smack from me on her hand, "But don't blame me if ghosts really come."

Proudly, Moa puts an arm around me and sticks her tongue out at her, "That's okay, she has me."

In any other setting, Moa spouting these kinds of things is normal.

However, Su is well aware of my feelings for Moa.

At that moment, when Su's eyes meet mine, I can see the knowing look on her face. But since she has no way of asking me with Moa and Nora there, she refrains from commenting.

I remember how I cried so much inside her house that night, and the memory makes my cheeks flush into several shades of red.

Su only regards me thoughtfully for a second, before she turns to Moa and casually pets her head.

"Well...take care of her, okay...?" Su says with a comforting smile, gently ruffling her hair.

There is a hint of a hopeful, relieved tone in her voice.

Moa stares at her in confusion, but I catch Su's eyes and mouth a few words to her.

_"Thank you."_

_"Thank you so much."_

Su gives me a slight nod, her expression unreadable. She waves at me and Moa before leaving with Nora.

Moa scratches her head. "Something wrong with her...?" she wonders.

For a sensitive girl like Moa, Su's behavior would definitely strike her as odd.

I make a mental note to tell Moa about Su, but now is not the right time.

Not when as soon as the door closes behind us, Moa puts her arms around me from behind and buries her nose in my hair.

My heart nearly jumps to my throat.

"Yui..." she whispers to my ear, sending goosebumps through my skin, "I miss you."

I inhale sharply.

It's true that we haven't spent any quality time after her confession, because we started dating right before the tour began. Su, or the staff members, or the bands we link up in for the tour, would always be around us to discuss about the performance or the settings of the stage.

Moa and I are rarely alone, and I can feel her impatience growing with every passing hour.

Although our time alone would probably be limited to our room, I'm happy...so happy that I am not the only one who cannot wait for it.

She gently plants a kiss on my nape. "Moa... that tickles," I chuckle.

I can feel her lips curl into a smile. "Now that nobody else is here to steal the limelight..." she says, tightening her embrace, "I can have Yui's attention all for myself.."

I bite my lip, trying to keep myself from shaking. The burning tingle from her loving touch and low, husky voice sets all my nerves aflame with anticipation. When her very hot lips are pressed against my neck, it suddenly becomes much harder to stay still. I'm aware Moa is more touchy than an average girl, and who knows how much worse (better?) it is when she is dating someone.

"Moa..." I say, breathless, "...will you...please..."

"Hm...?" she mumbles, her warmth seeping pleasantly into me.

A bit too...pleasant.

"What are you doing...? I must smell really bad after the trip, you know...I need to shower," I tell her.

"Mmh...just a bit more..."

If she continues sniffing me like that for a bit longer, my mind's going to explode.

I find myself listening out for interruptions from the outside, but then one of Moa's arms leaves my body and I hear a click.

My brain switches into panic mode.

"Mo...Moa...! I  _really_  need to shower now!" I lie through my teeth.

She gazes at me levelly with those mesmerizing round eyes and I am melting inside.

However, a short moment later, she completely releases me.

She merrily looks around the room, with her hands making an angle on her sides like a penguin.

I gape at her, my heartbeat still going over a hundred a minute.

She grins at me and I struggle to stay calm.

"What...?" she asks, clearly enjoying my reaction.

I give her a pout.

_Really...? Teasing me during times like this...?_

I'm not going to play so easily into her hands.

"Nothing."

I quickly walk past her, get my clothes out of my bag, and am already in the shower in less than ten seconds.

I turn the temperature to the lowest I could muster and rinse my head with so, so much cold water, trying to calm the unbearable throb in my stomach.

When you had been pining for someone for so long, it feels really strange when they love you back and give you a lot of affection you previously craved. Like your body isn't ready...and it overwhelms you to the point that you want to run away.

I'm happy...I've never been happier, but dating is not as simple as I thought.

More than anything, I don't want to disappoint Moa, so I'll have to get my act together.

This is going to be a long day.

 

* * *

 

I love looking out of the hotel room window.

When it faces a crowded street, it often tells a lot about the country we're visiting, from the young school-leavers, to the vendors, to the families and couples walking around under the calming sunset. There is always something fascinating about these strangers from a foreign land. They all look and behave a little differently from us, but we are all essentially the same.

But what truly defined what I find interesting in people...?

What makes you attracted to some individuals more than the others...?

And what causes that attraction to grow into love...?

I don't understand.

Not even when the very person whom I want to spend the rest of my life with is right here in this room.

I don't think I can ever explain it.

Soon, darkness falls and a silver sliver of a crescent moon hovers in the sky. There are less people walking outside at night in that area. I turn my attention toward Moa.

She just sprawls there lazily while reading a manga, illuminated by the orange bedlamp lights, with her long silky hair covering nearly half the bed.

She has many weaknesses... she often gets into trouble... she's far from the ideal partner that I imagined as a child. It's like you have dreamed of the person who would sweep you off your feet someday, but real life gives you someone completely different.

But right now...she is my everything.

My eyes leave the window and trace the curves of her gorgeous figure when she speaks to me.

"So how's your family doing, Yui? I haven't met them in a while."

"They're doing fine," I say, as most of my attention is occupied by her chest. They seem to have gotten bigger again. "My little brother got scolded a lot lately, because he wouldn't lift a finger to help with chores around the house."

Moa listens to me, still fixated on the pages. It gives me the freedom to stare at her body as much as I want to.

But soon...just staring is not enough anymore.

I move from the window and slowly climb up her bed. She doesn't look away from her book, but I can see the corners of her mouth turning upward when my body casts a shadow over her.

"...you're in my light..." she smirks.

"And...?"

"I can't read."

"Don't do it then."

Her brows raise with my serious tone. I catch a glimpse of her tongue when she licks her lips.

Her very kissable lips.

"But it's very boring..." she closes her book, her eyes never leaving mine, "Perhaps...there is something we can do..."

"A..." I say, my throat suddenly becoming very dry, "A date? A movie date...? I think I saw a listings magazine in the drawer..."

"We can't leave the hotel, Yui-san."

"Right..."

I forgot about that.

Then...is there anything we can do in the room...?

We don't bring laptops, and I accidentally left my playing cards at home.

I also saw some cans of beer in the fridge earlier, but no alcohol has ever passed our lips, so that's out of question.

The TV has a lot of channels, so maybe we can flip around until we find one that we...

"You're thinking too much," she whispers.

I realize too late that her face is already so close to me. I sit there frozen, from both fear and excitement. My breathing becomes shaky and shallow. The moment seems to last forever.

Moa tenderly touches my arm and leans her forehead against mine. I can see her slowly close her eyes...

That is when we are interrupted by a loud bang.

I jerk back from her in surprise, turning my head wildly to find the source. The noise comes from outside the window, and in no time we discover what it is.

"Fireworks..." she mutters.

"Someone let them off..."

Brilliant soaring vermillion, golden and bright green flares color the sky like blooming flowers of the night, some shattering into a thousand tiny sparks, some tumble like a scarlet waterfall and float in a glittering silver shower.

They're beautiful. I don't see fireworks very often, so I continue staring at them in childlike wonder...until Moa gently draws me back to her.

Her thumb caresses my cheek as our breaths mingle, making my heart pound against my ribcage.

"How would you like it if someone makes you wait for too long...?" she asks with a sly smile.

She doesn't wait for an answer.

The next thing I know, her head has angled slightly to the side and her warm lips brushes against mine. It's slow and soft, comforting in ways that words can never be. It's only for an instant, but I can feel her yearning and hunger for me before she hesitantly pulls away. She opens her eyes slightly, clearly trying to gauge my reaction, and I can see my reflection in that pair of brown marble eyes. In an instant, the burning desire that I had been supressing this whole time overtakes my mind like wildfire.

Unable to contain myself anymore, I hold her head in my hands and capture her lips into a fiery, desperate kiss. She lets out a whimper and passionately returns it, pulling me closer until there is no space left between us. My arms reach up and tangle around her thick, strong neck. I arch against her and feel her intense heat spread throughout my entire body. I almost can't hear myself moan.

Among the sounds of fireworks, I'm feeling them right inside this room, inside the lips of this girl in my arms.

I've never felt so alive.

I've wanted this for so long.

I've wanted this for  _so_  long, nobody would ever understand.

This is Moa that I'm kissing. The girl that I grow up with, the girl who always makes me laugh, the girl whom I love the most in the world.

The girl whom I thought was completely out of my reach.

"Moa..." I gasp into her mouth, "Moa, I..."

"Yui..." she whispers back, gently nudging the seam of my lips with her tongue, "Yui...I love you."

I don't know if she can see the tear that forms in the corner of my eye.

We lie on one bed and cuddle under the covers, slipping fluttering kisses to each other until we drift off to sleep. It's one of the happiest nights in my whole life.

When I wake up the next morning, her warmth is the first thing that greets me.

I smile and plant a small kiss on her forehead. She mumbles something incomprehensible and continues sleeping. I chuckle and get up from the bed to look for my phone.

When I wonder why it's so bright when none of the lamps are on, I realize that we forgot to close the curtains.

I drowsily glance out of the window and notice the puddles of water on the street.

I look up to the sky and expect to see a lot of grey clouds.

But instead, there is something else there.

Among the white fluffy clouds, under the faint morning sunlight, a beautiful arc of colors can be seen, floating on the sky like a warm embrace after the rain.

A rainbow.

 

**\----END----**

 

 


End file.
